Saturday, May 31, 2008

Things to Avoid While Traveling

I am home and with only one complaint: why can't the airport just be a normal place where all you have to do is present your ticket, get a boarding pass, and be on your merry way? This is what usually happens to me when I arrive at the airport:

Attempted Action: Give my bags to the nice people on the curb so I don't have to deal with checking my baggage.

What Really Happens: I give the Sky Cap my paper ticket, only to have them search through their "database" for approximately 15 min while mumbling things like "Well I just don't see your reservation in here..." and "Maybe if I try...nope, that didn't work either..."and then tell me that I don't actually have a ticket, and probably don't really exist as a human being. This is followed by a long series of negotiations/phone calls to supervisors/blackmails/me having a mild panic attack/and finally the resolution-I was right the entire time.

My Prediction: The Sky Cap is not looking through a "database" at all, but instead is looking through all the cards in his/her game of Solitaire. I think they like to watch patrons, such as myself, suffer.

Sidenote: This seriously happens EVERY time I fly. Most recently I was actually forced to purchase a new ticket out of Hawaii, which was refunded 3 minutes later, upon discovery of the already existing ticket. Wow.

Attempted Action: Get all the bags through security as to make sure I am not a terrorist threat to the airline.

What Really Happens: Upon close examination of my bags, it is usually discovered that I have accidentally packed all of my liquids in my carry-on and am now forced to go back downstairs and check an additional bag.

My Prediction: It's not a good idea to pack at 1-2 in the morning. You will forget protocol.

Attempted Action: Get to layover city-board connecting flight successfully.

What Really Happens: There are a few options here: (A) Flight I am on is late and you have to run like crazy to find the next one, (B) Your itinerary has secretly been changed by CheapTickets (seriously-no email updates or anything) and you must now adapt to whatever they want (C) You have either landed at LAX or PHL and the airport layout is so messed up that you will probably never get out alive.

My Prediction: I actually don't have any thoughts on this one. It just happens every time.

Attempted Action: Retrieve bags as to have an enjoyable and stress-free vacation.

What Really Happens: Bags somehow end up across the country. Airport personnel assures you that bags will be delivered promptly the next morning.

My Prediction: Airport personnel actually wants to go through your bags first-if they find something good, they will take it and say it got lost.

That is all.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Adios. Au revoir. Auf Wiedersehen. Aloha.

Things I need to do before leaving for Huh-vi-ee:

*Purchase enough tanning lotion to tranquilize a horse.
*Find 10 awesome vintage tees (why is the only clothing I own cardigans?).
*Make so many awesome CD jams for car rides around the island.
*Decide which eyeshadows are essential. Only 4 are allowed to come.
*Find a large suitcase.
*Decide if I will wear sunblock or not.

Peace out everyone. See you the 29th.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Provo Culture Chapter 4: The Provo All-Stars

You know when a pack/herd of these young gentlemen is approaching-the hair on the back of your neck stands up, you shudder from the stench of their Abercrombie FIERCE cologne. You try to get away, but it's too late. The All-Stars are already up in yo' grill. There's no known way to completely avoid the All-Stars (Utah County is crawling with them), but you can closely monitor their migratory patterns as to make sure you're never caught off guard by their arrival. Here's what to expect:

All-Stars migrate in packs of 3-5 males, ranging from ages 22-26. They are territorial creatures-rarely traveling outside their region or "turf". A daily round for an All-Star will include the following locations (this pattern is based off of the summer season-locations are subject to change when the weather gets colder):

9-11AM-GOLDS GYM: An All-Star is nothing without his "technically good physique". Therefore he must start his morning off with two things: his primary prey-some kind of protein shake that will make him "ripped", and about a 2 hour visit to Golds Gym (no self-respecting All-Star would go to 24 Hour Fitness).

SIDENOTE: The Golds Gym schedule breakdown is as follows: 15 min warm-up of walking around, checking out the other "dudes" to make sure they are the strongest/hottest, 45 min working the biceps, 10 min checking out the chicks, and 50 min working their abdominals.

11PM-EXPENSIVE APARTMENTS THEY CALL HOME: An All-Star must take at least an hour to primp himself for the day's dealings-and what better place to do this than an apartment that charges $460+ for rent (without utilities). An All-Star apartment will include the following amenities: big screen TV, awesome pool with lots of hotties, LOVESAC (what better way to get close to the hotties?), and so many "supplements" of every kind in the kitchen-All Stars gotta keep it tight, yo. Ah yee-ah.

1-4PM-SWIMMING POOL OR PLACE WHERE THEY CAN BE HALF NAKED: Hottie alert. Da boyz are now living it up (because they don't have jobs) at the watering hole. This provides the following opportunities:

Show that rockin' bod.

Wear a pukka shell necklaces.

Get a tan (they soak up the rays for an average of 2 hours daily).

Compare themselves to other guys and be reassured that they are the prettiest girl at the ball.

The traditional mating ritual of scouting out the hottest females.

4-5PM-QUICK STOP AT FOOT LOCKER/FINISH LINE: All-Stars are in constant need of new Nikes. This is not because their shoes have been worn down from all their ball-playing. This is because their current "kicks" have been scuffed and are no longer sparkling white. No Peacock would display bent feathers, so why would an All-Star display lightly-worn footwear?

7-9PM-BLINGIN' PROVO BASH (IE Rock the Block or some such party): All-Stars will unwind after a stressful day by a night of partying (watching girls with low self esteem compete for their attention, driving around in their flashy automobiles and drinking "Dew").

10-11PM-HOT TUB: All-Stars on the prowl. Since All-Stars rarely leave their pack-this is prime time to watch their competitive nature. If there are females present, the All-Stars' muscles will be perma-flexed and their hair will be perfa-styled (how else will the ladies decide who the alpha male is?). They will talk about how much they can bench, how rich they will be when they become men, and how many girls they've "hooked up with" in the last week. They will assume the girls will be impressed.

12-1AM-BACK TO GOLDS GYM: One more round of "lifting" to prepare for the next day. An All-Star's thirst for large muscles is never quenched.

SIDENOTE: The gym uniform will be some color variation of the following: basketball shorts, wife beater, Nike Shocks (shoelaces will be untied), and 1 sweat bands for their wrist. All clothing will match impeccably.

In the hours between scheduled times no one is sure where the All-Stars will be. Be on the look-out and make sure you wear sunglasses during those hours so you can avoid eye contact.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Top Ten

I'm going to start doing top ten lists. Here's the first:

Here is a list of the Top Ten Most Embarrassing (and most unacceptable) Things a Human Being Could Ever Do:

#10. Love to shop at DEB/Vanity so much.
#9. Eat at Chilis...and like it.
#8. Wear a "perverted hidden message tee" from Abercrombie/American Eagle/Hollister. You know the ones I mean-"Woody's Cabin-We Go All Night!"

#7. Use the phrase "Ex-Boyfriend" or "My Ex" when referring to a past relationship.

#6. Watch Tila Tequila's House of Lesbians (or whatever that show is called).

#5. Put a "So Cal" bumper sticker on the back of your car and constantly complain about how Utah doesn't have an In & Out or Rainbow flip flops.

#4. Bring Mardi Gras beads to St. George for Spring Break.

#3. Proudly display a Playboy Bunny-shaped tanline just above your hip (there are bonus points available here if you are a RADIOACTIVE orange color).

#2. Purchase (for yourself and with your own money) a Taylor Swift CD.

#1. Purchase (for yourself and with your own money) a Danity Kane CD.