Queen Bee

First of all, I know that movies are not real.  Second of all, I am not trying to express any political views  in the following post.

Just doing some thinking.  Can we talk about what I was thinking?  Tangled.  We all saw it.  We all loved it.  We all watch it on Sundays when we don't know what else to watch.  So here's the thing.  Remember the first part when they're introducing the story of the flower and how Gothel was just being so selfish and only using it for herself?  Ok.  Stop right there.

So...just a recap - what makes Gothel the villain is that she takes all the flower magic for herself?  Right?  I mean is that right?  But the flower is still in the ground and at least available for everyone else to use, should they find it.  RIGHT?

Fast forward, Queen gets sick and it's sad and she's preg so it's double-sad.  What's the answer?  In the movie, it's for the guards to hunt down said magik flower, mix it into a yummy yummy sun cocktail, then let ONLY THE QUEEN drink it.  Flower.  Destroyed.  Gone forever.

So...hold on, Queenie.  How is the solution for the richest person in the kingdom to ROB the rest of the kingdom of their richest resource?  Wouldn't it make more sense to make that same magical cocktail and then pour it into the water tower and have everyone in the kingdom have a glass?  And THAT way, everyone can have magical hair and heal everyone else?  Then.  TOGETHER they can become an invincible kingdom that would crush all the other kingdoms and avatars and whatever else comes against them.  Wouldn't THAT have been better?  CRUSHING avatars?  How did no one think of this?

Also, it's not like this flower belongs to anyone.  No one worked their whole life to build the Magik Flower Foundation.  The SUN dropped that flower.  It's game for everyone, RIGHT?

So who is the real villain here?  Gothel is taking too much heat.

An Introduction is in Order (Salt Lake Culture, Chapter 1)

I think most of you know I moved to the big Salt Lake of City 2-3 yrs ago. What a TrEmEnDoUs experience it's been! There are a plethora of cultures clashing all over the place and holy crap I'm listening to Lykke Li right now and it is just blowing my comedic mood right out of the water! Anyway there was a time when I would blog about Provo Culture. Well friends. I'm moving on.

Salt Lake City Culture, Chapter 1: Provo Refugees

There comes a time when a Provonian wakes up and says to him/herself: "I'm 24. I'm single. I'm fashion forward...Best to head north". Just like that an established Happy Valley Alum packs their bags (and usually all of their friends) and migrates toward Sugarhouse/Holladay/Cottonwood/Downtown (it should be noted that The Avenues are reserved mostly for the marrieds). So what do they do when they get there? Just pick up where they left off? Not so. Like any refugee, adapting to a new city can be difficult and requires an assimilation process. Climate change. Acquiring the taste of the region. Fashion mishaps. It's all part of the journey. On behalf of the Provo Refugees themselves, I present to you the Provo Refugee Survival Guide:

Transportation: Trax. Trax. Trax. Pretend to be immediately familiar with the Front Runner schedule. For your first ride invite a trusted friend, as bus behavior from unruly tweens is generally unsettling and may cause severe anxiety. Bike. Bike. Bike. Get a fancy bike and pretend you ride it everywhere. When you actually need to get somewhere (on time)-just drive, much of Salt Lake City living (actually...any kind of living) is a facade. For your own safety, know that, in SLC, the green turning arrow appears BEFORE the actual green light. Not after.

Diet: There are two parts to a Salt Lake City diet: steady intake of ethnic food, and more importantly, knowledge of every obscure restaurant within a 25 mile radius. This presents a challenge to post-Provo residents, as the Utah County diet consists mostly of Olive Garden, "The Cougar Eat", and now In 'n Out. Adjust in increments. Start one night a week at a Mediterranean place. Branch out from there. Again, if you are in touch with any Scene Kids who have already gone through the process, let them be your guide.

Free Time: Use down time to look up Downtown festival and/or "special screening" dates on your smart phone. Festival attendance is critical to a normal SLC life and will result in your most important friendships.

Fashion: Provo Refugees oftentimes find their sense of fashion questioned in SLC. Some will keep wearing their polos. Some will slightly adapt by purchasing Chacos or other such bohemian items. Provo Scene Kids are like so ahead of the times and have been wearing Salt Lake Street Fashion for years. Trust in them.

Emergency Phone Numbers: Sugarhouse Library. That's all.

Climate Change: Preparing for a Salt Lake City winter presents many obstacles. There is snow in Provo, yes. But. There is NOT an unsettling and ever-present cloud of gloom and pollution that somehow makes your skin go gray and slimy. The only way to avoid Inversion Zombification is to never leave your house ever...unless it's after 6. When it's dark. This is when your inner-Provo resident can come out again, as snowball fights and rambunctious behavior are encouraged during this time period. Once summer hits though, it's back to meditative slack-lining.

Language Barrier: Provo Talk is for kids. Salt Lake Speak is for grown ups. So you'd better get serious. Fast.

Get Colonized: Salt Lake City hereby claims you in the name of...Salt Lake City. Absorb it all. Walk Broadway. Run the Wasatch Back. Stop owning a TV. Vote for the other guy. Because if you don't...well. We all saw what happened to Winston in 1984.

Quote Board:

Ever since I was a young gal at UVSC I've kept a quote book. What do I write in it? Hilarity from friends, family, teachers, celebs, etc. I would like to share some of them with you:

*In a flamboyant English accent: "Helllloooooooo, Catherine! This is Doctor Johnson! You thought I was dead but it turns out I was in a coma...!"
-This is the best voicemail I've ever recieved, courtesy of Ryan. Keep in mind, his last name is not even close to Johnson.

"Is 24 Hour even open this late?"
-Josh on the 36 hours in the day

"I would get beef jerky...but I'm too lazy to eat it"
-Riley on why she needed to buy 3 Rice Krispie Treats...at Chevron

"I just fed a baby, who's allergic to milk, some delicious yogurt! What to do?! Oh rats!"
-Ry on why babysitting is the hardest of all the jobs.

"Why DO they sleep in those little ovens?"
-Kiera on not understanding Japanese hotels/beds

"I'm not one to dab the grease. I just think to myself- who are you kidding? You don't care if there's fat on that'".
-Carly on eating pizza

Wind Beneath My Wings

With all this fuss over Jerry Sloan and Deron Williams, I can't help but feel like someone's been left out. I think you know who I'm talking about. The 7 foot Center with a will of iron and a heart of gold. That's right. It's Greg Ostertag.

Ostertag cast a shadow over 1998 (or something) with his talent, his charm, his charisma and his haircut. I mean, can you even try to think of a pop culture reference from that era that isn't centered around Greg? I don't think so.

Ostertag was the enigmatic player who led the Jazz to every single victory they ever had. It's almost impossible to understand why the Jazz traded him to another team. And then that team traded him. And then he came back to the Jazz. And then he got traded again. Ostertag was on fire!

But like every flame, Greg's career flickered and died a firey death. I don't know what year. But oh what a ride it was while it lasted! Here's to you, Greg.

As a tribute, I found some inspirational quotes DIRECTLY FROM GREG HIMSELF and also some from the Deseret News and some other source that I can't remember:

"It is true that Ostertag could not score. He was an inefficient
scorer from the field and the free throw line. But basketball is not just
about scoring". -The Wages of Wins Journal

"I just want to play and help this team win" -Greg Ostertag, Deseret
News

Quote Board

Since I was a young gal at UVSC I've kept a quote book. What do I write in it? Hilarity from friends, family, teachers, and celebs. I have some favorites. I would like to list a few...

In a flamboyant English accent: "Caaaatherine! This is Dr. Johnson! You thought I was dead, but it turns out I was just in a coma!"

-Voicemail from Ryan

I'm all up in your business.

Sometimes I drive around and wonder why people name their businesses what they do. I can't understand sometimes. Let's just give a few examples, shall we?

Tickles
Expectation: Some kind of strip club for minors?
Reality: Greek restaurant in Holladay. Yes, it absolutely is as creepy as it sounds-at least from the outside. You guys, I can't just be eating in a place that's called "Tickles". And just try to tell me you don't picture all of the patrons in hospital gowns. I don't know why, it just seems logical. It's the kind of establishment you think Kim Jong Il might run.
Side Note: I had a friend in high school who we called "Benny Tickles". That is the best nickname ever.

Majestic Lube

Expectation: Whatever it is, it has about the same amount of creepiness as Candy Mountain from Charlie the Unicorn.
Reality: Oil Changery in the Fort Union area...somewhere east of Target (side note: everything in the Fort Union area can be measured by its proximity to Target). You guys, let's be real. There is nothing MAJESTIC about an oil change.

Creme De Bakery:
Expectation: You might assume you're in for french pastries and cursive penmanship and roses and all kinds of girly nonsense.
Reality: You're in for unfamiliar asian cuisine (that is filled with beans for some reason) and cheesecake. Serious. Those are the only things they serve there.


Taffy Towne:
Expectation: It's going to be exactly like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and you'll be sliding down a laffy taffy waterslide into a cotton candy pool! Well look think kids, you're wrong. DEAD WRONG.
Reality: Have you ever seen Taffy Town? So I've never been "inside" or "up close". I can tell you this-there's no way that place isn't a secret hide-out for super-villains. You know, like on Batman when The Joker takes up residence at the old, abandoned toy factory and starts cranking out dolls that are stuffed with crack. That's just what happens in places like this.

I just don't know, you guys.

For Your Consideration

I've been doing a lot of thinking and this is what I've decided: I think Captain Hook was just a regular dude.

Who wouldn't look like a dullard next to FuN pEtEr PaN? Let's just review these characters:

Peter Pan:

Occupation: None

Hobbies: Smoking peote with the "Red Man"

Hot Friends: Tinkerbell, Mermaids of Neverland, Tiger Lilly

Keeps Company With: Rufio. Rufio. Ru. Fi. Ooooooooooooooo.

Awesome Extras: Fairy Dust, endless supply of happy thoughts, crows when excited, impressive thimble collection.

Captain Hook:

Occupation: Pirate

Hobbies: Hand Recovery/Crocodile Chasing

Hot Friends: None

Keeps Company With: Smee

Awesome Extras: Owns own home/ship, supervisor for 50+ shipmates, mustache "ticks" when crocodile is within a 50 yard radius.

See? Who would YOU rather be friends with? But consider this-what if you had to share an island with the Lost Boys? Why are they always making Indian noises and screaming and refusing to be responsible? GET A JOB, Lost Boys. Leave Captain Hook alone-he only has one hand for heaven's sake!

Anyway. This is the conclusion I've come to. Just think it over.

STOP SEX TRAFFICKING OF CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE-SIGN THE PETITION

The Body Shop has several campaigns to defend human rights. One of these campaigns supports the fight against human trafficking. From The Body Shop website:

"This summer we'll be launching a petition calling upon governments to implement strict anti-trafficking policies and legislation, and dedicate more resources to help victims of trafficking. It doesn't end there. Because this is a global campaign, our objective is to join hands with thousands of other signatories around the world by taking our petitions to the United Nations in 2011."

If you support the cause, SIGN THE PETITION ONLINE. If you more than support the cause, blog/facebook/tweet about it (please). There's even a free download to help you spread the word via iphone.

If you need encouragement/want to learn more/read survivor stories-check out The Body Shop, Somaly Mam, or ECPAT to learn more.

Horcrux on the B-Rain

Listen. I've been doing some thinking and I've decided that, were I to make a horcrux (actually, several of them), this is what they would be (chosen for their ability to entrance):

Journal From Ages 12-15:

Why would I choose this, you ask? I'll tell you. Because every time I read over it, the spirit of Tween Cat takes over my brain. It posesses me, just like Tom Riddle posessed Ginny Weasley. Except that, when I posess myself, I don't write blood messages on walls and release giant snakes, but rather I just allow myself to be sucked into the world of adolescent drama. You know what I mean. "We all had to go to Holzer's office today to talk about Jessica and Lacey"...or "I can't believe Julianne and Oliver kissed!" or how about..."this weekend was so awesome-we all went to Dayne's house and then walked around Somerset in our tank tops!"

PJR Necklace:

When I was 11ish, some friends and I were admiring the fine jewelry at the local K-Mart when something caught our eyes, amidst the "best friend necklaces". Imagine this-a single charm with the letters P, J, R, followed by a bold !. That's it. What the crap does PJR mean? I didn't know then, I don't know now. Needless to say, we bought it and it has been in my jewelry box ever since...you know, so I don't forget my roots or something. The point is, PJR is totally going to Horcrux it up.

One of Leandra's Scarecrow Crafts

When I lived with Leandra, I'm fairly positive there were 8 (at the very least) scarecrow crafts in our living room during the months of October and November. She could spare at least one of them for my horcrux. She would make one for herself too, because she loves Harry Potter just as much as I do. Well. Almost as much. She and Jesse did think that he would die in the 7th book. But I held strong.

Laguna Beach Seasons 1-2, The Hills Seasons 1-Present

Don't act like your life hasn't been put on hold for these programs. It doesn't matter how stupid they are, you can't tear yourself away. Maybe we should make Justin Bobby a horcrux of his own because he is my favorite character.

Cafe Rio Chicken Salad:

This would be my horcrux equivalent to the "Get Out of Jail Free" card. I think I would just have this on the road to the next horcrux, so whoever is on the quest to kill me can have a little pick-me-up. Keep going! You're almost there!

Jimmy Fallon:

Jimmy and Cath. Cath and Jimmy. For those of you who don't know, Jimmy is me (only I am a girf and he is a boy). He can probably see into my mind at night. I've decided that I have to mark him as my equal. Naturally, he will have to be the one to finish me off but, what can a girl do?

The Music Scene. What's hot. What's not. And what I like.

Today Carly and I had a brief but interesting discussion about music. It left me inspired. And when I say "inspired", I mean ready to create another blog entry.

What's "HOT":

Mystical Indie: Forget Jenny Lewis-her time has come and gone. The new Indie is as follows-unknown artist that uses only wind chimes or fake instruments from places like Tibet or Nepal. And when I say "fake instruments" I mean just the sound of wind or maybe a running dryer. If someone has heard of the band you are listening to, it's not cool anymore.

Guilty Pleasure Towne: Gaga. Beyonce. The soundtrack to Glee Season 1. Pick one or two (any more is unacceptable). If you are listening to your Guilty Pleasure artist on the way to your friend's house, make sure to turn the dial before you get out of your car. It's always embarrassing when your friend gets in and hears "Bad Romance", even though he/she probably knows all the lyrics.

What's "NOT":

Anything on 97.1: Except for the Z Morning Zoo and your Guilty Pleasure, of course.

Owl City: WT. This is the worst band evsies.

Vampire Weekend: The Scene would have you believe that they "sold out".

What I Like:

Go to Pandora. Type in Bryan Adams. BINGO. You just found the best playlist ever. I'm so INTO Bryan Adams right now (and other artists that have the same genome). If you don't understand why, here's your answer.

Go to Pandora. Type in Judy Garland and slam dunk the funk.

Go to Pandora. Type in Regina Spektor. Note: this radio station is best on days where it is raining or in some other way whimsical.

I love the 90's. I just LOVE the 90's.

Love, Cath

Free Breadsticks

There are maybe 5 eternal truths. One of which is this: if you are female, you have, at one point in your life, flirted with the workers at Little Caeser's to get free Crazy Bread. If you haven't yet, you will. And that feeling of power is addicting-you'll want to do it every time. Not a flirter? Doesn't matter. It WILL happen.

I cannot stop thinking about the ridiculous films of the 90's (and by "ridiculous" I mean "trying so hard to be so dramatic and mystical...and in doing so, securing a place in my heart forever"). Have you ever realized how hilarious these movies are? Let me give you a list of some of my all-time favorites:

Jurassik Park

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Twister

Dances with Wolves

Mission: Impossible

The Three Musketeers

Independence Day

When was the last time you watched any of these films? If you are confused as to why I think they are funny, let me give you some ideas of what to do while you watch them (sort of like Conference BINGO in primary)...

EXAMPLE:

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Try giving some of the title characters hilar nicknames: Remember Duncan, who gets his eyes cut out? How funny is it to refer to him as "Dunker" or "Slam Dunk"? Pretty funny.

Performing a skit of some of the most dramatic moments: Remember when Robin finds out that Will Scarlet is his brother? And Will yells "OUR FATHER LOVED YOU MORE THAN ME!" Makes for a great skit.

Understand the level of skill needed to play the lead role: I'm pretty positive Kevin Costner is the same guy in every film. Which is what makes him so fantastic.

Consider the scenes that just rocked your world as a child (and are now just over-the-top): The scene at the very first where Robin almost gets his hand chopped off? Or maybe when the crazy witch is blowing her gaskets about the "Painted Man" that "haunts her dreams"? Or how about in Twister, when the "sister" tornados appear...or later in that same movie when the "Dorothy" tips over Helen Hunt finally confronts her past by yelling at Bill Pullman about her dead father?

Lastly, review the film's score or theme song in your mind: How can you lose with Brian Adams, Everything I Do I Do It For You? You can't. The End.

I could go on forever. But I won't.

Love, Cath

Dear Urban Outfitters,

I think I'm officially done. Forever.

Love, Cath

The Crazy Case of the Cross-Crotch


Someone please explain to me why the designers of "Sinful" swimwear have decided to become so reckless in their placement of glittering crosses? It's ridiculous. On the bright side-my pal Cody decided that, to secretly announce the arrival of a Hottie Mom, we can use the code of "looks like someone's got a crazy case of the cross-crotch". Indeed we can.

Dear Carly,

I went on an Ogden adventure today. I wanted to get the black licorice ice cream (as per your recommendation).

But I chickened-out at the last second. I'm always drawn to the white flavors. Relax you guys, I'm not racist.

Love,

Cath

Dear Leala and Fillest,

Once, when it was Halloween, I bought these little guys for you (don't act like you don't know which ones).

We didn't end up getting together on the appointed day and soon they turned into cement cakes. We should all take a trip to this little shop to make up for it.

Love, Cath

School of Celebrity

The other day I fantasized that there must be a university somewhere in Southern California (no, I will not be so stupid as to refer to it as "So Cal" or "Callie") that caters only to aspiring celebrities. I brainstormed about the would-be curriculum and this is what I came up with:

Course of Study/Course Description:

Introduction to Communism 1010:

Students will learn about, accept, and become an activist of the communist party. Class will also participate in recruiting party members by way of Oscar Acceptance Speeches.

Identity 1010:

Students will explore possible celebrity identities for themselves eg: Class Act, Club Skank, Political Activist, Philanthropist, etc.

Issues 1010:

Students will identify trends in mass media regarding world issues. Class will also gain an understanding of how to create a media whirlwind around said issues .

Public Speaking:

Students will learn how to address the public. Class must be prepared to pretend they have been to several third-world countries and formed relationships with the locals. Prerequisites: Issues 1010.

Art of Adoption 1010; 1020:

Students will begin the process of adopting an African child.

De-Genderization 1010; 1020; 2210; 3210:

How to successfully create and implement gender break-down in your community.

That is all I came up with. Just a thought.

MY DREAMS HAVE FINALLY COME TRUE!

If you really know me, you know how much I love Saved by the Bell. Actually, it's not even love. It's obsession. I would be ten million times more starstruck to run into Zack Morris than Brad Pitt. You get the idea. ANYWAY-the following event is about to change my life:

In honor of the SBTB 20 year anniversary, Jimmy Fallon is petitioning to have a reunion of the cast on his show. No, I'm not kidding. Interested?

SIGN THE PETITION

Need encouragement?

Zack Morris shows up on Late Night

Thank you, Jimmy Fallon for fulfillling my life-long dream.

PS In case anyone is wondering, my favorite SBTB episode is when Kelly, Jessie and Lisa form a band called "The Hot Fudge Sundaes". They sing and dance on mini-trampolines and at one point it's revealed that Jessie has become "addicted to caffiene pills" and will have to "get help by going to rehab". Holy crap. Can you even believe that? Please tell me about your favorite episode so I can bask in Saved by the Bell glory all day long.

Kenny, Carrie, Tim, and Everyone in Between.

If you ever want to pursue a career in country music, I've practically written all your albums for you, just by letting you in on this little secret: there are only 6 songs for you to sing (keep in mind we're talking MODERN country music here). Sure, you can put minor variations in, but it's all going to boil down to the following sub-genres:

#1. Patriotic Nonsense: Fanatical lyrics about the United States of America.

For the Conservative (think Toby Keith)

Lyrics will go something like this:
One warm September morning, my heart was blown away

By those crazy Arabs who will have to pay

We're Americans, and we don't take no crap from you

So we'll blow up your country and support President Bush too!

Because that's the American way!

The American way!

For the Left-Wing Country Fan (think The Dixie Chicks)

Lyrics will go something like this:

40 years ago, we set out to make things right

In a country called Vietnam, we wanted to fight their fight

We sent our sons and daughters to die without a cause

Our President was lyin, he was breakin' all the laws

Can't we all be brothers? Hold hands and hug and smile?

Now we've got a chance at that, 'cuz Barak Obama's here for a while.

#2. Ironic Role-Reversal: Singer sees the irony of life through the eyes of a parent/child/significant other.

Lyrics will go something like this:

1st Verse

Young girl passes a boy a note that says "I love you" in a cutesy, little girl way. Boy is grossed out and throws it back.

-Chorus (words that were on the note)-

2nd Verse

Wedding day with the same boy and girl. Boy reads his vows, which turn out to be the same words which were on that note she wrote him a long time ago. Romance ensues.
-Chorus-

3rd Verse

Mom is telling their baby the same things that were on the note. It's not perverted.

-Chorus-

#3. Summer Anthem:

Think anything by Kenny Chesney. These lyrics are just a combination of the following words and phrases (in whatever order you want):

Beach, young love, beer, girls, sun, waves, no shoes no shirt no problem, Chevy, Ford, county fair, blonde, tank, top, kiss, boys, car.

#4. Love Song-Happy Ending:

This song just needs a few ingredients:

The word "baby"

A line about how your "baby" is your best friend

Something about how "baby" has "saved" you

From there you can add whatever romantic sap you want.

#5. Love Song-Here's Hoping You'll Get Through This:

Cast of Characters:

A line about the rain or the storm or whatever weather metaphor is appropriate

First three quarters of the song is intended to depress

Last quarter of the song is intended to uplift and inspire-something about "believing in yourself" or "making your dreams come true".

Bonus points if you are crying in the music video-think "Why Don't You Stay" by Sugarland.

#6. Prayer Song:

Some kind of hardship happens.

Prayer ensues.

Problem is solved, but in a way the singer did not expect.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all about the country. I'm just sayin.