You Know You're a UVU Student When (and yes, this is based off of real-life experience)...

• Your upper-division Race and Minority Relations Professor just asked you to type a one-page paper on the history of hot dogs.


• You are offered extra credit in English 1010 if you wear orange, black or brown on Halloween.


• You get to class and your teacher has written on the board "All late assignments, up to this point, need to be turned in by Friday or you will only receive 80% of the credit"...this is halfway through the semester.


• Your Astronomy teacher tells you not to worry about asteroids attacking the earth, because our first line of defense is Bruce Willis.


• Preparation for finals means renting the Bon Losse Hair Academy girls to come give massages in the Hall of Flags.


• During group presentations in your Communications class, one group begins by singing the Primary "turn your frown into a smile" song, while holding smiley-face masks in front of their faces. They got an A-.


• Your Communications 1010 teacher has a resume that includes "Professional Clown".


• Your 7 Habits of Highly Effective People class accidentally turned into a testimony meeting.


• If you're hungry, you know that someone is bound to be handing out free popcorn somewhere on campus. No one knows why. It just happens.


• It's election time in the business hall. As you are walking past the booths, you hear one of the candidates yell "Vote for Team HOT!" Because that's what qualifies them for office.

This post will be done in installments. This is just the first. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to let me know.

*Disclaimer: I like UVU. Situations like these are not an every day occurrence, but when they do come up...it is a real treat.

Provo Culture Chapter 6: Parkway Crossing Residents

Want to avoid the Honor Code at all costs? Looking for a place where you can bump and grind to your 18-19-yr-old heart's content? All you need to do is look west of the Freeway.

Why People Move In:

1. They're heard it advertised on 97.1.

2. Their Mom/Dad saw it from the freeway, it sure looks nice, doesn't it?!

3. Their hussy of a sister lived their a year or two previous.

4. They like the idea of living amongst the Mormons, without having to deal with all the fuss of the Honor Code. They'll have as much substance abuse as they can handle, thank you very much!

Perks:

Year-Round Dress Code Includes: tank tops, flip flops, flat-brimmed gangsta hats and more cologne than you can shake a stick at!

Fun/Flirty/and Mostly Incoherent Staff: Comprised mostly of REALLY tan 20 yr olds, the front office is almost exactly like an episode of Blind Date (minus the cartoons). Don't be surprised when they misplace your credit card number and accidently charge you $300 for utilities. No one said it was their job to do things right.

Testimony Meetings You Can't Resist: The wards at Pkwy Cxing are spiritual AND sexy (due to the lack of clothing). And if you've ever wanted to hear someone confess their sins, over the pulpit, you have struck solid gold with these apartments!

Parties That are "Off the Chain": Pkwy is known for their xtreme dance parties, often thrown in their parking lots. All the Ciara, Chris Brown and Yin-Yang Twins you can handle, dawg. Also, if you are male, you are 100% guaranteed the numbers of at least 24 girls (note: these girls are all under the age of 19).

Guys Named Shane/Kade/Taylor: So many bros who are currently enrolled in 1 class at UVU (they can't handle more than that in one semester) and spend the rest of their time checking out the babes in the Hall of Flags/Woodbury Building, laying out at the pool, and perfecting their faux-hawks.

Girls Named Brittany/Ashley/Chantel: So many blondes wearing fake eyelashes and Uggs! If they're not at home, they're most likely in the LA building of UVU, stretching out in front of the dance studios (they can't do this inside the classroom).

Downers:

Drug Busts: What are the cops doing there so late? Busting your neighbors on a possession charge. Not to worry, they'll share their pot with you before they get caught.

Whatever That Smell is in the Elevator: I don't know. I can't even try to have an explanation for this one.

Provo Culture Chapter 5: BYU Couple Etiquette.

Crucial information about the dating scene in Happy Valley:

The Saturday Night Date to the Grocery Store:

If you have ever wandered Albertsons/Smiths/Wal-Mart late on a Saturday night you will see only one sight: the Saturday Night Date. This is where couples have the chance to hold hands in public, purchase water bottles and ingredients for Sunday Date Dinner and sometimes even wear matching clothing (yes this really happened, and yes they were wearing BYU Chorale sweatshirts). One other perk of this date is that it gives the couple an opportunity to feel/pretend like they're living together without actually doing it. For this reason the Grocery Store Date is only for serious couples only.

Will He Open the Car Door?

Many a Relief Society lesson/Institute Class has focused around one central (and asinine) topic: Does Boyfriend Need to Open the Car Door For You? One might be surprised at how much controversy this sparks. Here are the sides:

1). No, women are now too independent for that kind of nonsense. They can hold their own jobs, open their own doors, and even think for themselves.

2). Yes. Boyfriend is not a worthy Priesthood-holder if he doesn't take the time for chivalry. A visit to the Bishop's office after such a sin may be necessary.
So which side is right? The vast majority doesn't even know. Or care.

The Sacrament Back Scratch:

If you are dating someone in Utah County, it is imperative that they accompany you to your singles ward on regular basis. There are only two reasons for this (the other one is at the bottom of this list). The first is so Girlfriend can scratch Boyfriend's back in Sacrament Meeting-in front of all their friends. Maximum impact can be made with the back scratch if girlfriend is performing the scratching with her left hand, as to display her new engagement ring. Girlfriend is now the talk of the town (or so she thinks).

When to Hold Hands and Why?

In Provo hand-holding is not because you want to. Couples are under obligation by Provo law to hold hands if they have been on 5+ dates. This accounts for 65% of the hand-holding in Utah County being extremely awkward and painful to look at. The most common places to hold hands are as follows:

Mall (if you are caught not holding hands with someone at the mall, it means you are un-dateable and probably breaking some rule of the church).

Grocery Store

Walking to Class

In the Wilkinson Center

In your Apartment (only when roommates are home and can see)

First Date Conversation Topics:

If first dates were a game of Jeopardy, the board would read something like this:

Called to Serve

Cougar or Wolverine?

Raintree Alumni-Which Apt Were You In?

Your Major or Mine?

Alriiiight Alriiiight Alright Alright Alright-HEY! (clap clap clap-clap-clap clap clap clap-clap-clap clap-clap-clap clap-clap-clap) E-F-Y!

Choosing What Level of Modesty is Appropriate/Most Impressive for a First Date:

When a girl is getting ready for a date in the UC, there are only two things on her mind-"How much should I rat my hair?" and "How much modesty is necessary for this date?" A UC girl needs the perfect balance of modest and HOT on a first date. Here are the standard options and what they say about the girl (this is not applicable outside of Utah County):

Tank Top: Easy (only worn by UVU student/hair school girl).

Skirt 3 Inches Above the Knee: Easy (usually worn by UVU student/hair school girl).

Cap-Sleeved Shirt: Semi-easy. Doesn't want a relationship-wants to be able to call a lot of boys her "boyfriend" (can be worn by BYU or UVU students. Hair school girls are not allowed to wear sleeves in the summer seasons. Ban is temporarily lifted during fall/winter).

Short-Sleeved (Shade/Undertease/Down East) Shirt with Lace on the Bottom: Wants a serious relationship immediately. Usually can be tricked into kissing on the first date, if the guy pretends he wants to date her long-term. Usually worn by BYU students, but there is an occasional UVU student who sports this look as well.

3/4 Sleeve Shirt: Indifferent. This girl is on a date because she is bored. Not because she is interested. This can be a BYU or UVSC student, but they are usually over the age of 21...and kind of bitter.

Wearing Boyfriend's Suit Coat (even when it's June):

Reason #2 to go to your significant other's singles ward: so Girlfriend can wear Boyfriend's suit coat. This is important because your friends won't know you have a boyfriend (and are therefore unable to get jealous), unless you are wearing a jacket that is way to big for you. A girlfriend in Utah County will have to sacrifice comfort for status when the summer months come around-no worries, this is a sacrifice she is happy to make.

Provo Culture Chapter 4: The Provo All-Stars

You know when a pack/herd of these young gentlemen is approaching-the hair on the back of your neck stands up, you shudder from the stench of their Abercrombie FIERCE cologne. You try to get away, but it's too late. The All-Stars are already up in yo' grill. There's no known way to completely avoid the All-Stars (Utah County is crawling with them), but you can closely monitor their migratory patterns as to make sure you're never caught off guard by their arrival. Here's what to expect:

All-Stars migrate in packs of 3-5 males, ranging from ages 22-26. They are territorial creatures-rarely traveling outside their region or "turf". A daily round for an All-Star will include the following locations (this pattern is based off of the summer season-locations are subject to change when the weather gets colder):

9-11AM-GOLDS GYM: An All-Star is nothing without his "technically good physique". Therefore he must start his morning off with two things: his primary prey-some kind of protein shake that will make him "ripped", and about a 2 hour visit to Golds Gym (no self-respecting All-Star would go to 24 Hour Fitness).

SIDENOTE: The Golds Gym schedule breakdown is as follows: 15 min warm-up of walking around, checking out the other "dudes" to make sure they are the strongest/hottest, 45 min working the biceps, 10 min checking out the chicks, and 50 min working their abdominals.

11PM-EXPENSIVE APARTMENTS THEY CALL HOME: An All-Star must take at least an hour to primp himself for the day's dealings-and what better place to do this than an apartment that charges $460+ for rent (without utilities). An All-Star apartment will include the following amenities: big screen TV, awesome pool with lots of hotties, LOVESAC (what better way to get close to the hotties?), and so many "supplements" of every kind in the kitchen-All Stars gotta keep it tight, yo. Ah yee-ah.

1-4PM-SWIMMING POOL OR PLACE WHERE THEY CAN BE HALF NAKED: Hottie alert. Da boyz are now living it up (because they don't have jobs) at the watering hole. This provides the following opportunities:

Show that rockin' bod.

Wear a pukka shell necklaces.

Get a tan (they soak up the rays for an average of 2 hours daily).

Compare themselves to other guys and be reassured that they are the prettiest girl at the ball.

The traditional mating ritual of scouting out the hottest females.

4-5PM-QUICK STOP AT FOOT LOCKER/FINISH LINE: All-Stars are in constant need of new Nikes. This is not because their shoes have been worn down from all their ball-playing. This is because their current "kicks" have been scuffed and are no longer sparkling white. No Peacock would display bent feathers, so why would an All-Star display lightly-worn footwear?

7-9PM-BLINGIN' PROVO BASH (IE Rock the Block or some such party): All-Stars will unwind after a stressful day by a night of partying (watching girls with low self esteem compete for their attention, driving around in their flashy automobiles and drinking "Dew").

10-11PM-HOT TUB: All-Stars on the prowl. Since All-Stars rarely leave their pack-this is prime time to watch their competitive nature. If there are females present, the All-Stars' muscles will be perma-flexed and their hair will be perfa-styled (how else will the ladies decide who the alpha male is?). They will talk about how much they can bench, how rich they will be when they become men, and how many girls they've "hooked up with" in the last week. They will assume the girls will be impressed.

12-1AM-BACK TO GOLDS GYM: One more round of "lifting" to prepare for the next day. An All-Star's thirst for large muscles is never quenched.

SIDENOTE: The gym uniform will be some color variation of the following: basketball shorts, wife beater, Nike Shocks (shoelaces will be untied), and 1 sweat bands for their wrist. All clothing will match impeccably.

In the hours between scheduled times no one is sure where the All-Stars will be. Be on the look-out and make sure you wear sunglasses during those hours so you can avoid eye contact.

Provo Culture Chapter 2: Hottie Moms

Shocking though it may be, Provo has a large and escalating population of Hottie Moms. Never seen one? Let me lay it down for you:

Where Will They Be?

Buckle: This is practically Mecca for Hottie Moms. They can't get enough of the Lucky Lil Maggies, or the employees who make a fuss over them (they don't know it, but the only reason there is a fuss being made is because the employees get paid on commission).

Mod Bod/Lia Sophia/Pampered Chef Parties: Who needs Enrichment Night when you can get together with your rich friends and buy things you don't need?

Golds Gym: College guys to flirt with, dirty dancing class, and a chance to dress like a total prostitute (and no one can say anything about it), who could ask for more?

Places Where There Are Salads: Hottie Moms + Lettuce + Dressing on the side = Nirvana.

What Will They Wear?

10AM-12PM: Any casual attire (usually a velour jump suit) that says "Juicy" on it, a Tiffany's necklace, Uggs, LARGE sunglasses, fake Louis Vuitton purse (usually with some kind of animal inside), and a ponytail.

12PM-4PM: Citizen and/or Seven jeans-mid rise with a flare with the first edition back pocket (these are usually obtained at their friend's blowout jean party), Uggs (jeans must be TUCKED IN), and a fitted statement tee.

4PM-Bedtime: Hottie Moms are all about making a statement with evening wear. At this hour they will have traded the Uggs for a pair of scandalous heels, and the tee shirt for whatever dress-casual item they found at Buckle that day.

SIDENOTE: Outfits are subject to change when a Hottie Mom attends a gym class, such as Yoga, Kick Boxing or the ever popular Dirrty Dancing.

Who Will They Marry?

Hottie Moms will only marry 4 types of guys: summer salesman (only those who made above $40,000 will do), guys that played baseball for UVSC, guys that played football for BYU, or guys that claim they are going to med school (but will just major in business and call it good).

What Will They Drive?:

There are only two options: Cadillac Escalade or the Lincoln Navigator (although they can't afford either). In either car, the quintessential accessories are some kind of drink from Starbucks, designer imposter sunglasses, and blonde hair with more streaks than Zebra Striped Gum (streaks are usually orange, red and dark brown).

Sidenote: Veteran Hottie Moms will only drive a shiny, BLACK Escalade/Navigator. And the bigger the rims, the hotter they are. If a Hottie Mom can acquire a ride so pimp that her husband actually has to give her a boost to get inside, she is the Queen Bee of Hottie Moms in Utah Valley.

What Will Their Baby's Names Be?

Any celebrity name, celebrity baby name, or name from the show "Sex and the City" (IE: Beckham, Depp, Apple, Suri or Aiden). Hottie Moms have also been known to take apart two names, and combine them to form another (IE: Rogler, Taydrew, or Mattler).

What Will Their Kids (usually teen aged daughters and their friends) Say About Them?:

A. Friend: "Your mom is sooooo cyute."

B. Daughter: "My boyfriend LOVES texting my mom. She's soooooooo cyute."

C. Friend: "That is such a cyuuuuute shirt!"

Daughter: "Thanks, it's my Mom's!"

What Do Hottie Moms Love Most?

*Debt

*Popular teenage daughters who make the cheer squad

*Jeans

Provo Culture Chapter 1: The Elders

I'm not talking about the actual missionaries. I'm talking about the returned elders, with a new mission: to prove to Utah County what a sensational missionary they were. But how will you ever know who they are? In street clothes and without name tags, they just blend in with the masses. However, there are a few ways you can recognize an Elder when you see one. Here's how:

SOUVENIRS/MEMORABILIA:

At church, an Elder will always have some kind of mission memorabilia to show off. IE the kangaroo skin scripture case, some sort of Tongan skirt/wrap that they wear over their slacks, or the classic leather-etched scripture case (usually depicting a scene from the Book of Mormon) from any Latin region of the world.

THE THIRD-HARDEST LANGUAGE:

Within the first 10 minutes of conversation they will let you know that they spoke one of the "three hardest languages" there are. Even if it was just French, they'll be sure to tell you the "dialect" they spoke was far more complicated than any state-side missionary could ever dream. This conversation will go something like this:

You: "Oh so you went on the mish to Spain? That's pretty neat".

The Elder: "Yeah, I really miss the people. And the language. You know, REAL Spanish is the third-hardest language on earth to speak, besides Finnish and Mandarin."

Side note: if the Elder in question actually did speak Finnish, he is automatically the King of all Elders in Utah County.

THE ACCENT:

Elders are known for their fantastic accents. It's the one piece their mission they can't ever let go of. If they went to Hawaii for their mission, they must pronounce it "Huh-vi-ee". If they went to Tonga, it's "Tone-ga". Samoa is "Sah-moa". An Elder is no longer an American when they get back. They are now a native of wherever they went. This also explains what I like to call the "Aloha Phenomenon". This is when an Elder (or actually even Mormons that have recently come back from a vacation to Hawaii) will get up in sacrament meeting and begin their testimony/talk with the following:

"Aloooooooooha! (crowd mumbles aloha back) Oh c'mon, you can do better than that! ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOHA! (crowd is forced to repeat again)"

HOME DECOR:

Here's what you will find in the living room of an Elder:

A giant flag of wherever they went, tacked onto the wall. This is especially pleasing when all four members of the apartment are Elders. All four walls, covered in memories.

CUISINE:

When deciding what to eat for the night, a true Elder will always know the closest authentic mission-food restaurant around. They will take you there and speak the native language with the waitresses (this is actually a great bonus to knowing an Elder). If they are an advanced Elder, they will make the food for you themselves. They will be sure to let you know that most restaurants in the states serve only a "watered-down" version of truly authentic food from (insert awesome country here).

JOKES:

The following conversation will happen with most Elders. Beware. It is NEVER funny but they feel obligated to say it.

You: "So when did you get back from your mission?"

Elder: "Two months ago. My mission was the best 8 months of my life!"

You: fake laughter

So there you have it. There are other characteristics to watch for, these are just the basics. Just make sure you treat an Elder delicately when you meet one. They won't know how to react to sarcastic remarks or even constructive criticism. Just let them get it all out and hopefully they will normalize in another two years.