Sunday, May 17, 2009

Kenny, Carrie, Tim, and Everyone in Between.

If you ever want to pursue a career in country music, I've practically written all your albums for you, just by letting you in on this little secret: there are only 6 songs for you to sing (keep in mind we're talking MODERN country music here). Sure, you can put minor variations in, but it's all going to boil down to the following sub-genres:

#1. Patriotic Nonsense: Fanatical lyrics about the United States of America.
For the Conservative (think Toby Keith)
Lyrics will go something like this:
One warm September morning, my heart was blown away
By those crazy Arabs who will have to pay
We're Americans, and we don't take no crap from you
So we'll blow up your country and support President Bush too!
Because that's the American way!
The American way!

For the Left-Wing Country Fan (think The Dixie Chicks)
Lyrics will go something like this:
40 years ago, we set out to make things right
In a country called Vietnam, we wanted to fight their fight
We sent our sons and daughters to die without a cause
Our President was lyin, he was breakin' all the laws
Can't we all be brothers? Hold hands and hug and smile?
Now we've got a chance at that, 'cuz Barak Obama's here for a while.

#2. Ironic Role-Reversal: Singer sees the irony of life through the eyes of a parent/child/significant other.
Lyrics will go something like this:
1st Verse
Young girl passes a boy a note that says "I love you" in a cutesy, little girl way. Boy is grossed out and throws it back.
-Chorus (words that were on the note)-
2nd Verse
Wedding day with the same boy and girl. Boy reads his vows, which turn out to be the same words which were on that note she wrote him a long time ago. Romance ensues.
3rd Verse
Mom is telling their baby the same things that were on the note. It's not perverted.

#3. Summer Anthem:
Think anything by Kenny Chesney. These lyrics are just a combination of the following words and phrases (in whatever order you want):
Beach, young love, beer, girls, sun, waves, no shoes no shirt no problem, Chevy, Ford, county fair, blonde, tank, top, kiss, boys, car.

#4. Love Song-Happy Ending:
This song just needs a few ingredients:
The word "baby"
A line about how your "baby" is your best friend
Something about how "baby" has "saved" you
From there you can add whatever romantic sap you want.

#5. Love Song-Here's Hoping You'll Get Through This:
Cast of Characters:
A line about the rain or the storm or whatever weather metaphor is appropriate
First three quarters of the song is intended to depress
Last quarter of the song is intended to uplift and inspire-something about "believing in yourself" or "making your dreams come true".
Bonus points if you are crying in the music video-think "Why Don't You Stay" by Sugarland.

#6. Prayer Song:
Some kind of hardship happens.
Prayer ensues.
Problem is solved, but in a way the singer did not expect.
Don't get me wrong. I'm all about the country. I'm just sayin.


Meg said...

Okay, so I was looking at Annie's blog, and after finishing her witty posts, I got bored and so looked down through the blogs she loves, and saw yours, and clicked on it. I swear I'm not stalking you, but I have to say, that your blog is the funniest thing I have read since discovering Seriously So blessed (she stole your ideas, right?)

It has definitely been too long since I have seen you, Cat, and I'm delighted to see that you are well, and that you continue to be inordinately clever. Your analysis of Country is spot-on. Keep up the insightful posts! Love, Meg Calvin

The Red Pen said...

Yes, Meg. SSB stole Cat's ideas. But she's probably over it. I'm not, however.

So which category would I put "Why don't we get drunk and screw?"

God bless country.

Leandra said...

Who even reads SSB when you're around blogging? no one. That's who.

And you're right about the music. I love mom and husb writing notes to eachother and then mom quoting same note thing to son and it's not perverted. ha ha ha. so true. And so gross.