Thursday, April 24, 2008

Provo Culture Chapter 2: Hottie Moms


Shocking though it may be, Provo has a large and escalating population of Hottie Moms. Never seen one? Let me lay it down for you:


Where Will They Be?
Buckle: This is practically Mecca for Hottie Moms. They can't get enough of the Lucky Lil Maggies, or the employees who make a fuss over them (they don't know it, but the only reason there is a fuss being made is because the employees get paid on commission).
Mod Bod/Lia Sophia/Pampered Chef Parties: Who needs Enrichment Night when you can get together with your rich friends and buy things you don't need?
Golds Gym: College guys to flirt with, dirty dancing class, and a chance to dress like a total prostitute (and no one can say anything about it), who could ask for more?
Places Where There Are Salads: Hottie Moms + Lettuce + Dressing on the side = Nirvana.


What Will They Wear?

10AM-12PM: Any casual attire (usually a velour jump suit) that says "Juicy" on it, a Tiffany's necklace, Uggs, LARGE sunglasses, fake Louis Vuitton purse (usually with some kind of animal inside), and a ponytail.
12PM-4PM: Citizen and/or Seven jeans-mid rise with a flare with the first edition back pocket (these are usually obtained at their friend's blowout jean party), Uggs (jeans must be TUCKED IN), and a fitted statement tee.
4PM-Bedtime: Hottie Moms are all about making a statement with evening wear. At this hour they will have traded the Uggs for a pair of scandalous heels, and the tee shirt for whatever dress-casual item they found at Buckle that day.

SIDENOTE: Outfits are subject to change when a Hottie Mom attends a gym class, such as Yoga, Kick Boxing or the ever popular Dirrty Dancing.


Who Will They Marry?

Hottie Moms will only marry 4 types of guys: summer salesman (only those who made above $40,000 will do), guys that played baseball for UVSC, guys that played football for BYU, or guys that claim they are going to med school (but will just major in business and call it good).


What Will They Drive?:

There are only two options: Cadillac Escalade or the Lincoln Navigator (although they can't afford either). In either car, the quintessential accessories are some kind of drink from Starbucks, designer imposter sunglasses, and blonde hair with more streaks than Zebra Striped Gum (streaks are usually orange, red and dark brown).
Sidenote: Veteran Hottie Moms will only drive a shiny, BLACK Escalade/Navigator. And the bigger the rims, the hotter they are. If a Hottie Mom can acquire a ride so pimp that her husband actually has to give her a boost to get inside, she is the Queen Bee of Hottie Moms in Utah Valley.


What Will Their Baby's Names Be?

Any celebrity name, celebrity baby name, or name from the show "Sex and the City" (IE: Beckham, Depp, Apple, Suri or Aiden). Hottie Moms have also been known to take apart two names, and combine them to form another (IE: Rogler, Taydrew, or Mattler).

What Will Their Kids (usually teen aged daughters and their friends) Say About Them?:

A. Friend: "Your mom is sooooo cyute."
B. Daughter: "My boyfriend LOVES texting my mom. She's soooooooo cyute."
C. Friend: "That is such a cyuuuuute shirt!"
Daughter: "Thanks, it's my Mom's!"

What Do Hottie Moms Love Most?

*Debt
*Popular teenage daughters who make the cheer squad
*Jeans

8 comments:

fry said...

Somerset to Provo?? Did the hottie mom virus (HMV) spread down that far south? Well, suicide it is.

fry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
fry said...

Nurse: What do you mean by "crazy somerset moms"?

Me: You know they flurt with their daughter's boyfriends and they were they daughter's clothes, etc.

Nurse: HEY! I WEAR MY DAUGHTER'S CLOTHES!

Me: (already walking away) see ya later. bye.

Carly said...

Taydrew.... ha hah a haha ha haha! I love it. LOVE IT. This post rejuvenated my life.

Hottie Moms also let their children tear apart the store while they are in the changing rooms.

Carly said...

Hottie Moms also love:

Beach Vacays...not vacation vacay.
Saying the F word in front of their daughter's friends...I have witnessed this one first hand, and no not in Somerset.
Disney...because it is soooo cuyuuuute!
Volunteering to be a chaperone at high school dances, where they will wear a prom dress too.

fry said...

a sign of HMV is being scary/severly tanned by april 15th. It's part of the Hottie Mom honor code.

I even think they have a "law" thats similar to the boy scouts':

A hottie mom is tan, fit, hip, the shiz....

Leia said...

Cyute!
Hottie Mom to her teenage daugter and friends: "Hey girls! What's the 411? Did you want me to grab you some snacks? Apple martini anyone?"

Kirsten J said...

Thank you for nailing down just how Cyute is spelled. A girl in my office used it with reckless abandon, and I would turn around and stew over how her pronunciation of it would be spelled. Cyute!

Except hers was more like:

Cy-ih-ohht.