Thursday, May 8, 2008

Provo Culture Chapter 4: The Provo All-Stars


You know when a pack/herd of these young gentlemen is approaching-the hair on the back of your neck stands up, you shudder from the stench of their Abercrombie FIERCE cologne. You try to get away, but it's too late. The All-Stars are already up in yo' grill. There's no known way to completely avoid the All-Stars (Utah County is crawling with them), but you can closely monitor their migratory patterns as to make sure you're never caught off guard by their arrival. Here's what to expect:


All-Stars migrate in packs of 3-5 males, ranging from ages 22-26. They are territorial creatures-rarely traveling outside their region or "turf". A daily round for an All-Star will include the following locations (this pattern is based off of the summer season-locations are subject to change when the weather gets colder):


9-11AM-GOLDS GYM: An All-Star is nothing without his "technically good physique". Therefore he must start his morning off with two things: his primary prey-some kind of protein shake that will make him "ripped", and about a 2 hour visit to Golds Gym (no self-respecting All-Star would go to 24 Hour Fitness).

SIDENOTE: The Golds Gym schedule breakdown is as follows: 15 min warm-up of walking around, checking out the other "dudes" to make sure they are the strongest/hottest, 45 min working the biceps, 10 min checking out the chicks, and 50 min working their abdominals.

11PM-EXPENSIVE APARTMENTS THEY CALL HOME: An All-Star must take at least an hour to primp himself for the day's dealings-and what better place to do this than an apartment that charges $460+ for rent (without utilities). An All-Star apartment will include the following amenities: big screen TV, awesome pool with lots of hotties, LOVESAC (what better way to get close to the hotties?), and so many "supplements" of every kind in the kitchen-All Stars gotta keep it tight, yo. Ah yee-ah.

1-4PM-SWIMMING POOL OR PLACE WHERE THEY CAN BE HALF NAKED: Hottie alert. Da boyz are now living it up (because they don't have jobs) at the watering hole. This provides the following opportunities:

Show that rockin' bod.

Wear a pukka shell necklaces.

Get a tan (they soak up the rays for an average of 2 hours daily).

Compare themselves to other guys and be reassured that they are the prettiest girl at the ball.

The traditional mating ritual of scouting out the hottest females.

4-5PM-QUICK STOP AT FOOT LOCKER/FINISH LINE: All-Stars are in constant need of new Nikes. This is not because their shoes have been worn down from all their ball-playing. This is because their current "kicks" have been scuffed and are no longer sparkling white. No Peacock would display bent feathers, so why would an All-Star display lightly-worn footwear?

7-9PM-BLINGIN' PROVO BASH (IE Rock the Block or some such party): All-Stars will unwind after a stressful day by a night of partying (watching girls with low self esteem compete for their attention, driving around in their flashy automobiles and drinking "Dew").

10-11PM-HOT TUB: All-Stars on the prowl. Since All-Stars rarely leave their pack-this is prime time to watch their competitive nature. If there are females present, the All-Stars' muscles will be perma-flexed and their hair will be perfa-styled (how else will the ladies decide who the alpha male is?). They will talk about how much they can bench, how rich they will be when they become men, and how many girls they've "hooked up with" in the last week. They will assume the girls will be impressed.

12-1AM-BACK TO GOLDS GYM: One more round of "lifting" to prepare for the next day. An All-Star's thirst for large muscles is never quenched.

SIDENOTE: The gym uniform will be some color variation of the following: basketball shorts, wife beater, Nike Shocks (shoelaces will be untied), and 1 sweat bands for their wrist. All clothing will match impeccably.


In the hours between scheduled times no one is sure where the All-Stars will be. Be on the look-out and make sure you wear sunglasses during those hours so you can avoid eye contact.

5 comments:

fry said...

I finally reached the conclusion that All-Stars are just a reality that you just have to live with. like brain freezes and cancer.

Jenny Payne said...

Alert. Just because All-Stars are married doesn't mean they won't do any of this...in fact they may be worse then the unmarried. Look out for those too...they are usually married to Hottie Moms.

Jenny Payne said...

Also...You forgot that All-Star's Ring tones will always be blaring the latest and greatest hip R&B or rap song...they'll let it ring for a few seconds so the ladies can hear their beats and see them move it before they answer the popular phone call. The latest song you ask? Just listen for it it'll most likely be "Love in dis Club"-Usher

Leandra said...

hi. this is boone. remember me? From Lost. running around, falling out of airplanes, reappearing in dreams, suzy falls down the stairs, and up the stairs. I am an all-star. and I want you to watch Lost tonight. bye.

Meggara said...

oh my. catatat. you have really outdone yourself this time. thank you for mentioning the fierce cologne, when i smell it i may or may not have a gag reflex. and the golds gym and the swimming and the hot tubbing and the golds gym. you really nailed the provo all-stars to a T. on behalf of all provo, i thank you.