Monday, June 9, 2008

Provo Culture Chapter 5: BYU Couple Etiquette.

Crucial information about the dating scene in Happy Valley:

The Saturday Night Date to the Grocery Store:
If you have ever wandered Albertsons/Smiths/Wal-Mart late on a Saturday night you will see only one sight: the Saturday Night Date. This is where couples have the chance to hold hands in public, purchase water bottles and ingredients for Sunday Date Dinner and sometimes even wear matching clothing (yes this really happened, and yes they were wearing BYU Chorale sweatshirts). One other perk of this date is that it gives the couple an opportunity to feel/pretend like they're living together without actually doing it. For this reason the Grocery Store Date is only for serious couples only.

Will He Open the Car Door?
Many a Relief Society lesson/Institute Class has focused around one central (and asinine) topic: Does Boyfriend Need to Open the Car Door For You? One might be surprised at how much controversy this sparks. Here are the sides:
1). No, women are now too independent for that kind of nonsense. They can hold their own jobs, open their own doors, and even think for themselves.
2). Yes. Boyfriend is not a worthy Priesthood-holder if he doesn't take the time for chivalry. A visit to the Bishop's office after such a sin may be necessary.
So which side is right? The vast majority doesn't even know. Or care.

The Sacrament Back Scratch:
If you are dating someone in Utah County, it is imperative that they accompany you to your singles ward on regular basis. There are only two reasons for this (the other one is at the bottom of this list). The first is so Girlfriend can scratch Boyfriend's back in Sacrament Meeting-in front of all their friends. Maximum impact can be made with the back scratch if girlfriend is performing the scratching with her left hand, as to display her new engagement ring. Girlfriend is now the talk of the town (or so she thinks).

When to Hold Hands and Why?
In Provo hand-holding is not because you want to. Couples are under obligation by Provo law to hold hands if they have been on 5+ dates. This accounts for 65% of the hand-holding in Utah County being extremely awkward and painful to look at. The most common places to hold hands are as follows:
Mall (if you are caught not holding hands with someone at the mall, it means you are un-dateable and probably breaking some rule of the church).
Grocery Store
Walking to Class
In the Wilkinson Center
In your Apartment (only when roommates are home and can see)
First Date Conversation Topics:
If first dates were a game of Jeopardy, the board would read something like this:
Called to Serve
Cougar or Wolverine?
Raintree Alumni-Which Apt Were You In?
Your Major or Mine?
Alriiiight Alriiiight Alright Alright Alright-HEY! (clap clap clap-clap-clap clap clap clap-clap-clap clap-clap-clap clap-clap-clap) E-F-Y!

Choosing What Level of Modesty is Appropriate/Most Impressive for a First Date:
When a girl is getting ready for a date in the UC, there are only two things on her mind-"How much should I rat my hair?" and "How much modesty is necessary for this date?" A UC girl needs the perfect balance of modest and HOT on a first date. Here are the standard options and what they say about the girl (this is not applicable outside of Utah County):
Tank Top: Easy (only worn by UVU student/hair school girl).
Skirt 3 Inches Above the Knee: Easy (usually worn by UVU student/hair school girl).
Cap-Sleeved Shirt: Semi-easy. Doesn't want a relationship-wants to be able to call a lot of boys her "boyfriend" (can be worn by BYU or UVU students. Hair school girls are not allowed to wear sleeves in the summer seasons. Ban is temporarily lifted during fall/winter).
Short-Sleeved (Shade/Undertease/Down East) Shirt with Lace on the Bottom: Wants a serious relationship immediately. Usually can be tricked into kissing on the first date, if the guy pretends he wants to date her long-term. Usually worn by BYU students, but there is an occasional UVU student who sports this look as well.
3/4 Sleeve Shirt: Indifferent. This girl is on a date because she is bored. Not because she is interested. This can be a BYU or UVSC student, but they are usually over the age of 21...and kind of bitter.

Wearing Boyfriend's Suit Coat (even when it's June):
Reason #2 to go to your significant other's singles ward: so Girlfriend can wear Boyfriend's suit coat. This is important because your friends won't know you have a boyfriend (and are therefore unable to get jealous), unless you are wearing a jacket that is way to big for you. A girlfriend in Utah County will have to sacrifice comfort for status when the summer months come around-no worries, this is a sacrifice she is happy to make.


Leandra said...

ha ha when I read the part about the undertease with lace I instantly thought of ponz. it completely describes that girf.

Carly said...

I love the UC. I love it. My goal is to move to Provo and be a Hottie Mom. I am trying to convince Oliver that it is the role we chose in the pre-existence...but for some odd reason he won't believe me.

Emily said...

I love these UC posts. They are my favorite! You should write a book :)

Brady and Taryn said...

hows this for a nice UC date...all of us eating internationally, remember this deal? lets plan

Leandra said...

ha ha you silly guff, I did invite you to the fancy marrieds dandy. It was the weekend you said you were hanging out with the gays. you know the gays. we were supposed to go bowling but everyone hates it to much. now, take me out to the ball game.

Leandra said...

or international night.

Ju & Brack said...

Oh how I don't really miss UC! These are hilarious and oh so true!

Katelyn Keuhl said...

haha Cat seriously i LOVE it!! keep writing them..i laugh so hard!!SO TRUE

Leia said...

This makes me SO happy! You have a true talent, Catherine Elison!

Keith said...

Cat- Why don't you want to take a family photo with us? Why do you hate us? If you change your mind, we're DEFINITELY going with denim and khaki. But not the dark, dirty denim all the young hoodlums wear, we want the true blue indigo - bold and classy. And we want it ironed. And khakis must have cuffs. And pleats. And you'll need a denim bow in your hair. And your makeup will need to have a blue and tan color scheme. And if you could please sew a matching outfit for the family dog, we'd appreciate it. Oh, and we'll be standing in a field of wheat. Or maybe by a running brooklet of water. Or perhaps we'll do an indoor photo beside some props that look like the Parthenon. Or maybe a sleigh. With bails of hay. So dang many bails of hay. C'mon Cat, quit rocking the boat and just be a part of our family again!