Friday, April 25, 2008

Go Shorrty, It's Yo Birfday

Happy Birthday to The Nana! Staci is my friend/boss from Buckle. Here are some little known facts about the Stabster-licious:

She introduced me to MAC (this seriously changed my life...SERIOUSLY).
She wanted to be an astronaut...and I think she still does...
I know why her hair was down at her wedding, but half up for the reception (see me or Leia for details).
Give her a chance, and she'll get you addicted to Cadbury Mini Eggs.
She saves money buy using mall employee coupons to places like Clinique and Chik-Fil-A.
She is fluent in "Brieves" and one time said: "I gue I cho Rebs". Hahahaha-oh the brieves...
Her favorite movie is "Beetlejuice".

Now for a well-known fact: Stac is one of the most generous, awesome people in the universe.
Thanks, Nane-nane. You're the greatest. Have fun on the Buckle vacay!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Provo Culture Chapter 2: Hottie Moms

Shocking though it may be, Provo has a large and escalating population of Hottie Moms. Never seen one? Let me lay it down for you:

Where Will They Be?
Buckle: This is practically Mecca for Hottie Moms. They can't get enough of the Lucky Lil Maggies, or the employees who make a fuss over them (they don't know it, but the only reason there is a fuss being made is because the employees get paid on commission).
Mod Bod/Lia Sophia/Pampered Chef Parties: Who needs Enrichment Night when you can get together with your rich friends and buy things you don't need?
Golds Gym: College guys to flirt with, dirty dancing class, and a chance to dress like a total prostitute (and no one can say anything about it), who could ask for more?
Places Where There Are Salads: Hottie Moms + Lettuce + Dressing on the side = Nirvana.

What Will They Wear?

10AM-12PM: Any casual attire (usually a velour jump suit) that says "Juicy" on it, a Tiffany's necklace, Uggs, LARGE sunglasses, fake Louis Vuitton purse (usually with some kind of animal inside), and a ponytail.
12PM-4PM: Citizen and/or Seven jeans-mid rise with a flare with the first edition back pocket (these are usually obtained at their friend's blowout jean party), Uggs (jeans must be TUCKED IN), and a fitted statement tee.
4PM-Bedtime: Hottie Moms are all about making a statement with evening wear. At this hour they will have traded the Uggs for a pair of scandalous heels, and the tee shirt for whatever dress-casual item they found at Buckle that day.

SIDENOTE: Outfits are subject to change when a Hottie Mom attends a gym class, such as Yoga, Kick Boxing or the ever popular Dirrty Dancing.

Who Will They Marry?

Hottie Moms will only marry 4 types of guys: summer salesman (only those who made above $40,000 will do), guys that played baseball for UVSC, guys that played football for BYU, or guys that claim they are going to med school (but will just major in business and call it good).

What Will They Drive?:

There are only two options: Cadillac Escalade or the Lincoln Navigator (although they can't afford either). In either car, the quintessential accessories are some kind of drink from Starbucks, designer imposter sunglasses, and blonde hair with more streaks than Zebra Striped Gum (streaks are usually orange, red and dark brown).
Sidenote: Veteran Hottie Moms will only drive a shiny, BLACK Escalade/Navigator. And the bigger the rims, the hotter they are. If a Hottie Mom can acquire a ride so pimp that her husband actually has to give her a boost to get inside, she is the Queen Bee of Hottie Moms in Utah Valley.

What Will Their Baby's Names Be?

Any celebrity name, celebrity baby name, or name from the show "Sex and the City" (IE: Beckham, Depp, Apple, Suri or Aiden). Hottie Moms have also been known to take apart two names, and combine them to form another (IE: Rogler, Taydrew, or Mattler).

What Will Their Kids (usually teen aged daughters and their friends) Say About Them?:

A. Friend: "Your mom is sooooo cyute."
B. Daughter: "My boyfriend LOVES texting my mom. She's soooooooo cyute."
C. Friend: "That is such a cyuuuuute shirt!"
Daughter: "Thanks, it's my Mom's!"

What Do Hottie Moms Love Most?

*Popular teenage daughters who make the cheer squad

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Provo Culture Chapter 1: The Elders

I'm not talking about the actual missionaries. I'm talking about the returned elders, with a new mission: to prove to Utah County what a sensational missionary they were. But how will you ever know who they are? In street clothes and without name tags, they just blend in with the masses. However, there are a few ways you can recognize an Elder when you see one. Here's how:

At church, an Elder will always have some kind of mission memorabilia to show off. IE the kangaroo skin scripture case, some sort of Tongan skirt/wrap that they wear over their slacks, or the classic leather-etched scripture case (usually depicting a scene from the Book of Mormon) from any Latin region of the world.

Within the first 10 minutes of conversation they will let you know that they spoke one of the "three hardest languages" there are. Even if it was just French, they'll be sure to tell you the "dialect" they spoke was far more complicated than any state-side missionary could ever dream. This conversation will go something like this:

You: "Oh so you went on the mish to Spain? That's pretty neat".
The Elder: "Yeah, I really miss the people. And the language. You know, REAL Spanish is the third-hardest language on earth to speak, besides Finnish and Mandarin."

Side note: if the Elder in question actually did speak Finnish, he is automatically the King of all Elders in Utah County.

Elders are known for their fantastic accents. It's the one piece their mission they can't ever let go of. If they went to Hawaii for their mission, they must pronounce it "Huh-vi-ee". If they went to Tonga, it's "Tone-ga". Samoa is "Sah-moa". An Elder is no longer an American when they get back. They are now a native of wherever they went. This also explains what I like to call the "Aloha Phenomenon". This is when an Elder (or actually even Mormons that have recently come back from a vacation to Hawaii) will get up in sacrament meeting and begin their testimony/talk with the following:

"Aloooooooooha! (crowd mumbles aloha back) Oh c'mon, you can do better than that! ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOHA! (crowd is forced to repeat again)"

Here's what you will find in the living room of an Elder:

A giant flag of wherever they went, tacked onto the wall. This is especially pleasing when all four members of the apartment are Elders. All four walls, covered in memories.

When deciding what to eat for the night, a true Elder will always know the closest authentic mission-food restaurant around. They will take you there and speak the native language with the waitresses (this is actually a great bonus to knowing an Elder). If they are an advanced Elder, they will make the food for you themselves. They will be sure to let you know that most restaurants in the states serve only a "watered-down" version of truly authentic food from (insert awesome country here).

The following conversation will happen with most Elders. Beware. It is NEVER funny but they feel obligated to say it.

You: "So when did you get back from your mission?"
Elder: "Two months ago. My mission was the best 8 months of my life!"
You: fake laughter

So there you have it. There are other characteristics to watch for, these are just the basics. Just make sure you treat an Elder delicately when you meet one. They won't know how to react to sarcastic remarks or even constructive criticism. Just let them get it all out and hopefully they will normalize in another two years.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Hizappy Birthdizzle

Today is Keith Elison's birthday! I chose this cake for the occasion because Keith is built on a firm "foundation", much like this fondant barn. And like these wide-eyed "ponies", peeking out of the fence, "Keith" has a curiosity and zest for life (if you didn't understand that, it's just because you didn't grow up in the Elison house. And that is just TOO bad).

One of my favorite things about Keith is that every time he meets a celebrity, he has a really good story to tell about it. Like when he met Latoya Jackson on an airplane and, after chatting her up, moon-walked back to his seat. Or like the time he saw Carol Mikita in a ride line at Disney Land and proclaimed "Carol Mikita?! This really IS the happiest place on earth!" Or, like that time he saw Quentin Terrentino at Sundance and, after a long conversation with him, told him he'd give him $20 if he named his next character after him. Fantastic.

Anyways, happy birthday, biotch. Hope it's a good one.

ALSO. Just so everyone knows, I was looking through an application at my job yesterday. Here is what I found in his employment history under "Company Products/Services":

"Family steak house...we cooked children".


Friday, April 11, 2008

I Don't Get It

I went to a yoga class. I laughed through most of the class (don't worry, it was quiet laughter). Not because I was so shocked that half the class was male. Not because the teacher was so stereotypical that I couldn't even handle myself. Not even because at the end we had to lie down and think about our "happy place" while the instructor came around and shook out our legs. No. I was laughing because I could not understand why it was so HARD! Seriously. Look at the above picture. This is all yoga is. Sit in this pose. Turn your chest this way. Downward dog. Class is over. Now why am I sweating worse than a hooker in church? I guess I'll never know.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

hpy brthdy

Alright, I don't know who on earth "Nilpixel" is, but isn't this the best picture you've ever seen in your life?! Today is Jason Fry's birthday. In honor of this occasion, here is a list of AWESOME things Jason has introduced me to that everyone else needs to see as well:
*Short Circuit (yes, the 1986 movie-never laughed so hard in my life).
(watch or die).
*Reno 911.
*LOST-this show stole seriously like 3 months of my life. And I don't even want it back!
*Guacomole and avacados in general.
*Probably 8 million bands.
*U student culture (democrats, beards, V-neck shirts, etc).
*All the Mystery Science Theater you can handle.
*Other things I can't remember.
Thanks for all those awesome things. Happy birthday, J.Fry!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

10 Days

If you need to get a hold of me at the end of May, you won't be able to. Because I will be gone somewhere far, far away.