Dear Leala and Fillest,

Once, when it was Halloween, I bought these little guys for you (don't act like you don't know which ones).

We didn't end up getting together on the appointed day and soon they turned into cement cakes. We should all take a trip to this little shop to make up for it.

Love, Cath

School of Celebrity

The other day I fantasized that there must be a university somewhere in Southern California (no, I will not be so stupid as to refer to it as "So Cal" or "Callie") that caters only to aspiring celebrities. I brainstormed about the would-be curriculum and this is what I came up with:

Course of Study/Course Description:

Introduction to Communism 1010:

Students will learn about, accept, and become an activist of the communist party. Class will also participate in recruiting party members by way of Oscar Acceptance Speeches.

Identity 1010:

Students will explore possible celebrity identities for themselves eg: Class Act, Club Skank, Political Activist, Philanthropist, etc.

Issues 1010:

Students will identify trends in mass media regarding world issues. Class will also gain an understanding of how to create a media whirlwind around said issues .

Public Speaking:

Students will learn how to address the public. Class must be prepared to pretend they have been to several third-world countries and formed relationships with the locals. Prerequisites: Issues 1010.

Art of Adoption 1010; 1020:

Students will begin the process of adopting an African child.

De-Genderization 1010; 1020; 2210; 3210:

How to successfully create and implement gender break-down in your community.

That is all I came up with. Just a thought.

MY DREAMS HAVE FINALLY COME TRUE!

If you really know me, you know how much I love Saved by the Bell. Actually, it's not even love. It's obsession. I would be ten million times more starstruck to run into Zack Morris than Brad Pitt. You get the idea. ANYWAY-the following event is about to change my life:

In honor of the SBTB 20 year anniversary, Jimmy Fallon is petitioning to have a reunion of the cast on his show. No, I'm not kidding. Interested?

SIGN THE PETITION

Need encouragement?

Zack Morris shows up on Late Night

Thank you, Jimmy Fallon for fulfillling my life-long dream.

PS In case anyone is wondering, my favorite SBTB episode is when Kelly, Jessie and Lisa form a band called "The Hot Fudge Sundaes". They sing and dance on mini-trampolines and at one point it's revealed that Jessie has become "addicted to caffiene pills" and will have to "get help by going to rehab". Holy crap. Can you even believe that? Please tell me about your favorite episode so I can bask in Saved by the Bell glory all day long.

Kenny, Carrie, Tim, and Everyone in Between.

If you ever want to pursue a career in country music, I've practically written all your albums for you, just by letting you in on this little secret: there are only 6 songs for you to sing (keep in mind we're talking MODERN country music here). Sure, you can put minor variations in, but it's all going to boil down to the following sub-genres:

#1. Patriotic Nonsense: Fanatical lyrics about the United States of America.

For the Conservative (think Toby Keith)

Lyrics will go something like this:
One warm September morning, my heart was blown away

By those crazy Arabs who will have to pay

We're Americans, and we don't take no crap from you

So we'll blow up your country and support President Bush too!

Because that's the American way!

The American way!

For the Left-Wing Country Fan (think The Dixie Chicks)

Lyrics will go something like this:

40 years ago, we set out to make things right

In a country called Vietnam, we wanted to fight their fight

We sent our sons and daughters to die without a cause

Our President was lyin, he was breakin' all the laws

Can't we all be brothers? Hold hands and hug and smile?

Now we've got a chance at that, 'cuz Barak Obama's here for a while.

#2. Ironic Role-Reversal: Singer sees the irony of life through the eyes of a parent/child/significant other.

Lyrics will go something like this:

1st Verse

Young girl passes a boy a note that says "I love you" in a cutesy, little girl way. Boy is grossed out and throws it back.

-Chorus (words that were on the note)-

2nd Verse

Wedding day with the same boy and girl. Boy reads his vows, which turn out to be the same words which were on that note she wrote him a long time ago. Romance ensues.
-Chorus-

3rd Verse

Mom is telling their baby the same things that were on the note. It's not perverted.

-Chorus-

#3. Summer Anthem:

Think anything by Kenny Chesney. These lyrics are just a combination of the following words and phrases (in whatever order you want):

Beach, young love, beer, girls, sun, waves, no shoes no shirt no problem, Chevy, Ford, county fair, blonde, tank, top, kiss, boys, car.

#4. Love Song-Happy Ending:

This song just needs a few ingredients:

The word "baby"

A line about how your "baby" is your best friend

Something about how "baby" has "saved" you

From there you can add whatever romantic sap you want.

#5. Love Song-Here's Hoping You'll Get Through This:

Cast of Characters:

A line about the rain or the storm or whatever weather metaphor is appropriate

First three quarters of the song is intended to depress

Last quarter of the song is intended to uplift and inspire-something about "believing in yourself" or "making your dreams come true".

Bonus points if you are crying in the music video-think "Why Don't You Stay" by Sugarland.

#6. Prayer Song:

Some kind of hardship happens.

Prayer ensues.

Problem is solved, but in a way the singer did not expect.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all about the country. I'm just sayin.

Yeah: Slang form of "yes".

Yea: Synonym for "hooray".

Yah:
1. What you yell to make a horse go.
2. What a German says.

Ya: Shortened form of "you".

4:00PM: Vowed to go home early and start writing a talk, in order to be done by at least 9:00PM.

5:30ish PM: Got off work.

6:00PM-9:30PM: Wasted time.

9:30PM-1:15AM (present): Started writing talk, funned around on the interweb, downloaded some music from the CD "80 Great Movie Themes" (I don't know either, so don't ask), continued writing talk...

Projected Time to Finish Talk: 2:30ish AM?

9:00AM: Present talk in Sacrament Meeting.

Well done, Catherine.

Things That Have (or will) Change in the Life of Cathers:

Then: Provo

Now: Salt Lake City

Then: Singles Ward full of people like this.

Now: A ward full of normal people. Holy crap.

Then: DVR-less.

Now: DVR (has saved my life probably 117 times already-no joke).

Then: No gay friends who are married to illegal lesbian immigrants.

Now: One gay friend who is actually married to an illegal lesbian immigrant.

Then: Weekly visits to Sam Hawk (best Korean restaurant of all time).

Now: Trying (unsuccessfully) to find a Salt Lake substitute for Sam Hawk.

Then: No ipod. For reals-it made me feel better than all of you who conformed.

Now: Ipod. Now I'm just a faceless idiot for Apple to brainwash just like everyone else.

Then: Conan O'Brien.

Now: Introducing...my boyfriend, Jimmy Fallon.

Then: Jay Leno.

Now: Introducing...my other boyfriend, Conan O'brien.

Then: Only Diet Coke.

Now: Diet Coke and Vitamin Water-the orange one tastes just like Tang. Not kidding.

Then: Duffy, Feist, M. Ward.

Now: 90s Jams, Ting Tings, The Elected.

Then: Had not yet discovered Jackie and Debra/Jersey Mom.

Now: Have discovered Jackie and Debra/Jersey Mom and there is nothing in this world that could make me even 1/4 as happy.

Just a morsel of the tom foolery I've come to endure, neigh, RELISH here in SLC.

Forever Yours,

catjaner

Listen you guys, I really need roughly $4,000,000

I have a really good idea for a movie, who wants to produce it? I can't let you in on all the details (I don't want everyone taking the ideas and turning them into Hannah Montana-or whoever is running Hollywood at the moment-for a quick buck) but here are a few keywords:

Lottery
Parker Posey
Christopher Guest
TAMN
JJWT
The Deep South
Paternity Test

You get the idea. It's going to be amazing. I know, cinema is boring, but it's a part of my life.