Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Provo Culture Chapter 6: Parkway Crossing Residents


Want to avoid the Honor Code at all costs? Looking for a place where you can bump and grind to your 18-19-yr-old heart's content? All you need to do is look west of the Freeway.


Why People Move In:

1. They're heard it advertised on 97.1.
2. Their Mom/Dad saw it from the freeway, it sure looks nice, doesn't it?!
3. Their hussy of a sister lived their a year or two previous.
4. They like the idea of living amongst the Mormons, without having to deal with all the fuss of the Honor Code. They'll have as much substance abuse as they can handle, thank you very much!

Perks:
Year-Round Dress Code Includes: tank tops, flip flops, flat-brimmed gangsta hats and more cologne than you can shake a stick at!

Fun/Flirty/and Mostly Incoherent Staff: Comprised mostly of REALLY tan 20 yr olds, the front office is almost exactly like an episode of Blind Date (minus the cartoons). Don't be surprised when they misplace your credit card number and accidently charge you $300 for utilities. No one said it was their job to do things right.

Testimony Meetings You Can't Resist: The wards at Pkwy Cxing are spiritual AND sexy (due to the lack of clothing). And if you've ever wanted to hear someone confess their sins, over the pulpit, you have struck solid gold with these apartments!

Parties That are "Off the Chain": Pkwy is known for their xtreme dance parties, often thrown in their parking lots. All the Ciara, Chris Brown and Yin-Yang Twins you can handle, dawg. Also, if you are male, you are 100% guaranteed the numbers of at least 24 girls (note: these girls are all under the age of 19).

Guys Named Shane/Kade/Taylor: So many bros who are currently enrolled in 1 class at UVU (they can't handle more than that in one semester) and spend the rest of their time checking out the babes in the Hall of Flags/Woodbury Building, laying out at the pool, and perfecting their faux-hawks.

Girls Named Brittany/Ashley/Chantel: So many blondes wearing fake eyelashes and Uggs! If they're not at home, they're most likely in the LA building of UVU, stretching out in front of the dance studios (they can't do this inside the classroom).

Downers:
Drug Busts: What are the cops doing there so late? Busting your neighbors on a possession charge. Not to worry, they'll share their pot with you before they get caught.

Whatever That Smell is in the Elevator: I don't know. I can't even try to have an explanation for this one.

14 comments:

Mar said...

your Provo posts are so classic and eerily too true!

Carly said...

wait a sec...didn't you live there for like 2 years?

Natalie said...

Thank you for reminding me why I will never live in Provo.

And, on another note, I work with your friend Jami Oldroyd (Floyd). She saw me comment on one of your posts. This world is too small for me sometimes.

Lemonaid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leandra said...

I love and miss the parkway crossing smell with my whole heart. Remember the smell outside when it was summer at night and you were just so glad to be walking to dumb fat happys to watch so so. ha ha I miss dumb fat happy. or fat dumb happy or however the ef it is. get it-painting the town red and spilling all the beans.

Leandra said...

do I need to be scared of puru food? I don't know.

The Johnson's said...

My name is ashlee!!! And I lived at Parkway with you what are you trying to say. Give me a call it has been awhile.

Todd and Ryann said...

I just peed my pants. Hilarious. But only because it's so true. I just wanted to point out on the male names you left out the #1. TRAVIS.

Staci said...

So I have a question..would you rather have saturday off or a day in the week? Let me pose a thought..on wed for example..Walmart is NOT crowded..I can easily make most appointments, ever been to a day time movie on a wed vs a sat? It's better to avoid the crowds and spend time doing things..not waiting. Love, Buckle Warrior..by the way I can't figure out why my other comment went away..have I said too much? I'm just nervous for the Buckle post..don't make fun!!!

Marci & Daniel said...

Because I've never spent more than three hours in Provo, I would never have learned about Parkway Crossing...thanks my dear.

fry said...

Provo, you're a mess, and you owe a lot of people apologies. I hope chapter 7 is how Cat moves out moves closer to salt lake.

fry said...

I'm sorry for my weird population of all-stars, hottie moms, etc. I'm sorry for my culture that keeps people awake at night and asleep in the daytime. I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to be like this.

-Provo

Meggara said...

bman cat i need to look at your blog more often. very entertaining. very good to me. i'm still upset that we both lived there at the same time and were never friends. f-415 = best year of my life. oh wait. i wasnt a hooker so it actually wasnt all that great. nuts.

Kim said...

Cat. I am blog stalking you. I may or may not have pee'd my pants reading this.