Top Ten Tasks to Accomplish in Summer '08

#10. Find a new haircut/color (the redder the better).

#9. Attend yet another Ingrid concert. And maybe Warped Tour. June 28th. The Perfect Storm.

#8. Win one of those Buckle Sweepstakes I keep entering.

#7. Project: Family Photo. No. Not my family. Just a photo of people pretending to be a family while wearing matching things and doing awkward poses (see above picture).

#6. Read all the things-just finished Flags of our Fathers (if you have not read this, I highly recommend you get going on that). I'm taking suggestions...now. PS please go to http://www.goodreads.com/.

#5. Weekly Cultural Food Extravaganza-thanks again for sewing those costumes for us, Taryn.

#4. Find a house for Fall-yikes...running out of time!

#3. So many a million Davis County tours with The Bounce-this will include F-Town Festival Days and possibly a 4th of July Parade. Oh for heaven's sake.

#2. Attend so many Bees games-thank you Leala for keeping us all posted on what will be going on at each game ie: $1 hot dog night or Fireworks Surprise!

#1. Weekend Road Trips. Yosemite? Santa Fe? Who knows. Let's hope this happens sooner and not later.

Provo Culture Chapter 5: BYU Couple Etiquette.

Crucial information about the dating scene in Happy Valley:

The Saturday Night Date to the Grocery Store:

If you have ever wandered Albertsons/Smiths/Wal-Mart late on a Saturday night you will see only one sight: the Saturday Night Date. This is where couples have the chance to hold hands in public, purchase water bottles and ingredients for Sunday Date Dinner and sometimes even wear matching clothing (yes this really happened, and yes they were wearing BYU Chorale sweatshirts). One other perk of this date is that it gives the couple an opportunity to feel/pretend like they're living together without actually doing it. For this reason the Grocery Store Date is only for serious couples only.

Will He Open the Car Door?

Many a Relief Society lesson/Institute Class has focused around one central (and asinine) topic: Does Boyfriend Need to Open the Car Door For You? One might be surprised at how much controversy this sparks. Here are the sides:

1). No, women are now too independent for that kind of nonsense. They can hold their own jobs, open their own doors, and even think for themselves.

2). Yes. Boyfriend is not a worthy Priesthood-holder if he doesn't take the time for chivalry. A visit to the Bishop's office after such a sin may be necessary.
So which side is right? The vast majority doesn't even know. Or care.

The Sacrament Back Scratch:

If you are dating someone in Utah County, it is imperative that they accompany you to your singles ward on regular basis. There are only two reasons for this (the other one is at the bottom of this list). The first is so Girlfriend can scratch Boyfriend's back in Sacrament Meeting-in front of all their friends. Maximum impact can be made with the back scratch if girlfriend is performing the scratching with her left hand, as to display her new engagement ring. Girlfriend is now the talk of the town (or so she thinks).

When to Hold Hands and Why?

In Provo hand-holding is not because you want to. Couples are under obligation by Provo law to hold hands if they have been on 5+ dates. This accounts for 65% of the hand-holding in Utah County being extremely awkward and painful to look at. The most common places to hold hands are as follows:

Mall (if you are caught not holding hands with someone at the mall, it means you are un-dateable and probably breaking some rule of the church).

Grocery Store

Walking to Class

In the Wilkinson Center

In your Apartment (only when roommates are home and can see)

First Date Conversation Topics:

If first dates were a game of Jeopardy, the board would read something like this:

Called to Serve

Cougar or Wolverine?

Raintree Alumni-Which Apt Were You In?

Your Major or Mine?

Alriiiight Alriiiight Alright Alright Alright-HEY! (clap clap clap-clap-clap clap clap clap-clap-clap clap-clap-clap clap-clap-clap) E-F-Y!

Choosing What Level of Modesty is Appropriate/Most Impressive for a First Date:

When a girl is getting ready for a date in the UC, there are only two things on her mind-"How much should I rat my hair?" and "How much modesty is necessary for this date?" A UC girl needs the perfect balance of modest and HOT on a first date. Here are the standard options and what they say about the girl (this is not applicable outside of Utah County):

Tank Top: Easy (only worn by UVU student/hair school girl).

Skirt 3 Inches Above the Knee: Easy (usually worn by UVU student/hair school girl).

Cap-Sleeved Shirt: Semi-easy. Doesn't want a relationship-wants to be able to call a lot of boys her "boyfriend" (can be worn by BYU or UVU students. Hair school girls are not allowed to wear sleeves in the summer seasons. Ban is temporarily lifted during fall/winter).

Short-Sleeved (Shade/Undertease/Down East) Shirt with Lace on the Bottom: Wants a serious relationship immediately. Usually can be tricked into kissing on the first date, if the guy pretends he wants to date her long-term. Usually worn by BYU students, but there is an occasional UVU student who sports this look as well.

3/4 Sleeve Shirt: Indifferent. This girl is on a date because she is bored. Not because she is interested. This can be a BYU or UVSC student, but they are usually over the age of 21...and kind of bitter.

Wearing Boyfriend's Suit Coat (even when it's June):

Reason #2 to go to your significant other's singles ward: so Girlfriend can wear Boyfriend's suit coat. This is important because your friends won't know you have a boyfriend (and are therefore unable to get jealous), unless you are wearing a jacket that is way to big for you. A girlfriend in Utah County will have to sacrifice comfort for status when the summer months come around-no worries, this is a sacrifice she is happy to make.

T-T-T-TAG!

CJY (Carly Johnston-Young) has tagged me. So here it is...all secrets revealed:

3 Joys:
*White Out. Especially the roll-on kind. How fabulous.
*Not having to work on Saturdays (I can't even BEGIN to describe the happiness this brings me-no offense to all the Buckle soldiers who rock every Saturday)
*Family photos that include characters such as "adventurous son" and "awkward 14 year old boy who is kind of chubby and is forced to sit in the front".

3 Fears:
*Octopus getting stuck on my face-what could be worse than that?!
*Creatures getting stuck in my hair.
*Some day I'll be watching General Conference and the prophet will announce that it is no longer ok to drink Diet Coke or go tanning. I'm not kidding. I get anxiety about it every April/October.

3 Goals:
*Save all the money as to be able to afford things later.
*Drink an adequate amount of water daily.
*Write the books. There are 3-4 stirring around in my brain at this very moment.

3 Current Obsessions/Collections:
*T-shirts.
*Borders.
*Emerald and copper-colored things.

3 Surprising Facts:
*I'm always thirsty. Always.
*I love looking for product placement in movies. Marketing is the best hobby anyone could ever have.
*I want to color my hair carrot-red but won't do it because it is socially unacceptable.

3 Friends to Tag:
*Amy-it's about freaking time you had a new post
*The Leala
*Leia

Things to Avoid While Traveling

I am home and with only one complaint: why can't the airport just be a normal place where all you have to do is present your ticket, get a boarding pass, and be on your merry way? This is what usually happens to me when I arrive at the airport:

Attempted Action: Give my bags to the nice people on the curb so I don't have to deal with checking my baggage.

What Really Happens: I give the Sky Cap my paper ticket, only to have them search through their "database" for approximately 15 min while mumbling things like "Well I just don't see your reservation in here..." and "Maybe if I try...nope, that didn't work either..."and then tell me that I don't actually have a ticket, and probably don't really exist as a human being. This is followed by a long series of negotiations/phone calls to supervisors/blackmails/me having a mild panic attack/and finally the resolution-I was right the entire time.

My Prediction: The Sky Cap is not looking through a "database" at all, but instead is looking through all the cards in his/her game of Solitaire. I think they like to watch patrons, such as myself, suffer.

Sidenote: This seriously happens EVERY time I fly. Most recently I was actually forced to purchase a new ticket out of Hawaii, which was refunded 3 minutes later, upon discovery of the already existing ticket. Wow.

Attempted Action: Get all the bags through security as to make sure I am not a terrorist threat to the airline.

What Really Happens: Upon close examination of my bags, it is usually discovered that I have accidentally packed all of my liquids in my carry-on and am now forced to go back downstairs and check an additional bag.

My Prediction: It's not a good idea to pack at 1-2 in the morning. You will forget protocol.

Attempted Action: Get to layover city-board connecting flight successfully.

What Really Happens: There are a few options here: (A) Flight I am on is late and you have to run like crazy to find the next one, (B) Your itinerary has secretly been changed by CheapTickets (seriously-no email updates or anything) and you must now adapt to whatever they want (C) You have either landed at LAX or PHL and the airport layout is so messed up that you will probably never get out alive.

My Prediction: I actually don't have any thoughts on this one. It just happens every time.

Attempted Action: Retrieve bags as to have an enjoyable and stress-free vacation.

What Really Happens: Bags somehow end up across the country. Airport personnel assures you that bags will be delivered promptly the next morning.

My Prediction: Airport personnel actually wants to go through your bags first-if they find something good, they will take it and say it got lost.

That is all.

Adios. Au revoir. Auf Wiedersehen. Aloha.

Things I need to do before leaving for Huh-vi-ee:

*Purchase enough tanning lotion to tranquilize a horse.

*Find 10 awesome vintage tees (why is the only clothing I own cardigans?).

*Make so many awesome CD jams for car rides around the island.

*Decide which eyeshadows are essential. Only 4 are allowed to come.

*Find a large suitcase.

*Decide if I will wear sunblock or not.

Peace out everyone. See you the 29th.

Provo Culture Chapter 4: The Provo All-Stars

You know when a pack/herd of these young gentlemen is approaching-the hair on the back of your neck stands up, you shudder from the stench of their Abercrombie FIERCE cologne. You try to get away, but it's too late. The All-Stars are already up in yo' grill. There's no known way to completely avoid the All-Stars (Utah County is crawling with them), but you can closely monitor their migratory patterns as to make sure you're never caught off guard by their arrival. Here's what to expect:

All-Stars migrate in packs of 3-5 males, ranging from ages 22-26. They are territorial creatures-rarely traveling outside their region or "turf". A daily round for an All-Star will include the following locations (this pattern is based off of the summer season-locations are subject to change when the weather gets colder):

9-11AM-GOLDS GYM: An All-Star is nothing without his "technically good physique". Therefore he must start his morning off with two things: his primary prey-some kind of protein shake that will make him "ripped", and about a 2 hour visit to Golds Gym (no self-respecting All-Star would go to 24 Hour Fitness).

SIDENOTE: The Golds Gym schedule breakdown is as follows: 15 min warm-up of walking around, checking out the other "dudes" to make sure they are the strongest/hottest, 45 min working the biceps, 10 min checking out the chicks, and 50 min working their abdominals.

11PM-EXPENSIVE APARTMENTS THEY CALL HOME: An All-Star must take at least an hour to primp himself for the day's dealings-and what better place to do this than an apartment that charges $460+ for rent (without utilities). An All-Star apartment will include the following amenities: big screen TV, awesome pool with lots of hotties, LOVESAC (what better way to get close to the hotties?), and so many "supplements" of every kind in the kitchen-All Stars gotta keep it tight, yo. Ah yee-ah.

1-4PM-SWIMMING POOL OR PLACE WHERE THEY CAN BE HALF NAKED: Hottie alert. Da boyz are now living it up (because they don't have jobs) at the watering hole. This provides the following opportunities:

Show that rockin' bod.

Wear a pukka shell necklaces.

Get a tan (they soak up the rays for an average of 2 hours daily).

Compare themselves to other guys and be reassured that they are the prettiest girl at the ball.

The traditional mating ritual of scouting out the hottest females.

4-5PM-QUICK STOP AT FOOT LOCKER/FINISH LINE: All-Stars are in constant need of new Nikes. This is not because their shoes have been worn down from all their ball-playing. This is because their current "kicks" have been scuffed and are no longer sparkling white. No Peacock would display bent feathers, so why would an All-Star display lightly-worn footwear?

7-9PM-BLINGIN' PROVO BASH (IE Rock the Block or some such party): All-Stars will unwind after a stressful day by a night of partying (watching girls with low self esteem compete for their attention, driving around in their flashy automobiles and drinking "Dew").

10-11PM-HOT TUB: All-Stars on the prowl. Since All-Stars rarely leave their pack-this is prime time to watch their competitive nature. If there are females present, the All-Stars' muscles will be perma-flexed and their hair will be perfa-styled (how else will the ladies decide who the alpha male is?). They will talk about how much they can bench, how rich they will be when they become men, and how many girls they've "hooked up with" in the last week. They will assume the girls will be impressed.

12-1AM-BACK TO GOLDS GYM: One more round of "lifting" to prepare for the next day. An All-Star's thirst for large muscles is never quenched.

SIDENOTE: The gym uniform will be some color variation of the following: basketball shorts, wife beater, Nike Shocks (shoelaces will be untied), and 1 sweat bands for their wrist. All clothing will match impeccably.

In the hours between scheduled times no one is sure where the All-Stars will be. Be on the look-out and make sure you wear sunglasses during those hours so you can avoid eye contact.

Top Ten

I'm going to start doing top ten lists. Here's the first:

Here is a list of the Top Ten Most Embarrassing (and most unacceptable) Things a Human Being Could Ever Do:

#10. Love to shop at DEB/Vanity so much.

#9. Eat at Chilis...and like it.

#8. Wear a "perverted hidden message tee" from Abercrombie/American Eagle/Hollister. You know the ones I mean-"Woody's Cabin-We Go All Night!"

#7. Use the phrase "Ex-Boyfriend" or "My Ex" when referring to a past relationship.

#6. Watch Tila Tequila's House of Lesbians (or whatever that show is called).

#5. Put a "So Cal" bumper sticker on the back of your car and constantly complain about how Utah doesn't have an In & Out or Rainbow flip flops.

#4. Bring Mardi Gras beads to St. George for Spring Break.

#3. Proudly display a Playboy Bunny-shaped tanline just above your hip (there are bonus points available here if you are a RADIOACTIVE orange color).

#2. Purchase (for yourself and with your own money) a Taylor Swift CD.

#1. Purchase (for yourself and with your own money) a Danity Kane CD.