I'm so happy about THIS, this, and this. You're welcome.

I WON!

My faith in contests has been restored. TAMN has selected me for the winner of some Sweet Tooth Fairy Cupcakes and I cannot wait to collect my prize. The cupcakes are so glam-check them out here. You can also get cookies and all kinds of crap from this bakery, order a million things from them here.

Special thanks to Leandra for telling me about my winnings. You will be sampling these little babies.

TIP PANIC: (tip, pan-ik) noun, verb:

A sudden, overwhelming fear that one's gratuity is insufficient. Often followed by irrational thinking, leading to an overly-generous tip. Most cases occur in ethnic restaurants, most likely due to the language barrier or fear that waiter/tress is a refugee.

Anyone else ever get this?

Diet Coke + Toast = Crazy Delicious

CALLING ALL CRAFTERS!

I know, it's a little early for Christmas stuff but...Last weekend I was at Primary Children's Hospital getting some information on the Festival of Trees. I knew that the festival was where people donate trees and that people bid on them and 100% of the proceeds go to Primary Children's, but I DIDN'T know that there are other things you can donate besides trees. Apparently they do a gift boutique as well. That means, any person who can make a quality item that another person might want to purchase is invited to donate. I have decided to make something awesome and donate it. I know I have a lot of craft-tastic friends who might want to donate as well. Let me give you the info (this is straight from the packet they gave me at the meeting):

Large numbers of quality handmade gifts are needed. Involve your friends, relatives, neighbors, and associates. STRESS THE IMPORTANCE OF QUALITY ITEMS, but graciously accept all gifts. Encourage donors to package items in clear cellophane wrap, bags, or use ribbon to gift-wrap items when appropriate.

Turn In: We encourage all gifts to be completed by November 1, so they can be priced before Festival begins. Please check each item to make sure it is in good condition. Turn gifts in to Board Members in sturdy boxes.

Pricing: It is helpful if the donor includes the cost of materials for each item. Our goal is to price items at market value. The quality of work, the cost of materials, and the colors influence the price.

Gift Ideas:

Christmas Items: Nativity items, snowman kits, wall hangings, large wooden items, ornaments, tree skirts, neighbor gifts.

Craft Items: All-occasion note cards, thank you cards, dolls beaded, necklaces and bracelets, embroidered samplers, neighbors gifts.

Quilts: Tied or quilted king, queen, regular, twin and baby size. There is a great demand for larger sizes and rag quilts.

Kitchen: Tablecloths, runners, aprons, applique dishtowels, nylon scrubbers.

Baby and Children: Receiving blankets, burp cloths, chunky and fuzzy yarn hats and mittens, hooded bath towels, preemie items, baby headbands.

Afghans: Lap robes and afghans in white and off-white are always in demand.

Anyway, I just thought this would be a really awesome charity project-I always want to do something like this but I forget. Last year they raised 1.6 million dollars for all those babies! Can you believe that? Anyway, let me know if you have any questions.

I got tagged. Twice. Drumroll...

8 things I'm passionate about:


1. I pride myself on knowing a lot of theme songs to old TV shows. IE: Every time I turn around--I see that girl that turns my world around--standing there...(anyone know what that's from? I bet you don't).

2. Planning trips that I probably won't take.

3. Planning trips that I actually will take.

5. Generic fruit snacks. IE: Shark Bites, Fruit Smiles.

6. Anything Humanities.

7. Coming up with nicknames for people.

8. Sleep.



8 words/phrases I use often:

1. Goonin the goofs

2. Doofin the doons

3. Loafin around

4. GET IT?!

5. Ya know?

6. JUDAS PRIEST.

7. NAILED IT!

8. SWAAAAAAAAG.


8 things I want to do before I die:

1. Ride through Kenecott Copper Mines on a glorious white stallion.

2. Go on a date with Brandon Walsh. We'd probably hold hands on the beach and then go to a party where we would get offered drugs. We wouldn't take the drugs though, because we're both really grounded. Brandon's sister Brenda would probably take the drugs and then blame it on Kelly. That is going to be such a MESS (duh...nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH nuh!-that's the 90210 theme)!

3. Plan a scheme with Zack Morris (hopefully some kind of prank on Mr. Belding).

4. Learn more about spaceships.

5. Learn more about zombies.

6. Learn more about robots and prevent their uprising.

7. Go to Russia, on Christmas, to watch a football game that my brother is playing in.

8. Buy a house, in Vermont, and make Applesauce. Then turn that into a small business called Country Baby.



8 things I've learned in the past:

1. Making cookies for an apartment full of the boys is just about the dumbest thing you could ever do with your time.

2. Fruit=good.

3. Cake=great.

4. Fruit cake=nasty crap.

5. Once I was watching a children's show from Canada that said the snow leopard was the "fastest animal in the world". I think they know something we don't.

6. Dump your drink out before you throw it away.

7. Eye primer=best invention ever.

8. Instead of "answers" on a math test, we should just have "impressions". And if you got the wrong "impression", so what? Can't we all be brothers?



8 things I currently want/need:

1. A Thousand Splendid Suns.

2. Passport.

3. New work clothing. It's a freaking fashion show at Express Employment.

4. Golden Retriever.

5. Volvo station wagon.

6. 8 million saunas.

7. All kinds of things from Williams Sonoma.

8. Spanish class.



8 places I want to see/visit:

1. South Korea

2. Argentina

3. Berlin, Germany

4. Bryce Canyon. I still haven't been there and I don't really know why.

5. Turkey (Amy, don't get mad that I'm copying your co ed grill)

6. Frazer, PA

7. LONDON

8. Washington DC



8 favorite restaurants

1. Sam Hawk

2. India Palace

3. Thai Siam

4. Costa Vida (or Cafe Rio, depening on the location)

5. Zupas

6. California Pizza Kitchen

7. Noodles & Co

8. Sonic. For drinks only.



8 TV shows I can't live without:

1. Arrested Development

2. The Office

3. Riddles of Wizard's Oak (Do the RHOMBUS!)

4. Antiquies Roadshow

5. ANTM

6. Oprah

7. Painting with Bob Ross

8. Your Choice, Our Chance



8 people I tag:

1. I have no friends.

THEY'RE HERE.

Limited time only. Product may result in a dislike for any other apple fruit product and can lead to other fruit tasting like warm sand.

Friends That Say Funny Things:

Leia:

While talking about gas prices, Leia wondered aloud why the government can't just "train us to ride broomsticks". The government. Because they know how to ride broomsticks and are just waiting till the right moment to release this information to the public. I laughed for 10 million hrs.

My sister, Annie, and brother-in-law, Jason:

Annie told me that, in church, Jason brainstormed an idea that will revolutionize the whole high school scene. What if there was a high school created just for pregnant teens? It could be called Hoe High and their fight song could be "High-hoe, high-hoe, it's off to school we go..."

My boss:

Told me that, when he was ten, loved to sing and dance and found a way to create an audience for himself when he did this. He took a large aluminum can, painted people on the inside, put the can on his head, and then sang away. Keep in mind he was outside while doing this. Just sitting on the lawn, singing with a can on his head.

A friend who shall remain anonomys:

Recently acquired some Living Scriptures videos from a family close to her. The funny part about this is as follows: 1. She doesn't need/want the videos. 2. They are stolen from the aforementioned family. Not to worry, they will not be missed.

Here's what's on my mind as of late:

10. Orange County. I think it's stupid. I'm sorry.

09. Hungarian restaurants. Anyone know of one?

08. I think SeriouslysoBlessed is copying me. Ok, I know she isn't, but I'm so jealous of all her fame that I just have to keep telling myself that she is.

07. Cool Runnings. Feel de rhythm, feel de ride, clear de way, it's bobsled time. When was the last time you watched that movie? Too long ago.

06. Bimbimbop.

05. This post.

04. Bringing back trends from the early 1990's. I call it: Project Stephanie Tanner.

03. High fashion parties at the Tracy Aviary.

02. Ed Hardy is for dorks. Rich dorks.

01. Fall Air Smell. Can't wait to soak that mess up.

Leala Call is in the 21 Club!

Nina is 21-a-licious! Here are some highlights of Leandra, for those of you who don't know her:

She has some of the best/awkward dance moves you've ever seen. The hardest I've ever laughed in my life (seriously) is when The Nin was showing off those moves at Brady & Taryn's Black and White Party. She was all over the ground, a chair, and the other party-ers. I loved it.

The Nin not only gets the jokes but makes up a lot of them. Not a lot of people know, but the word "Girf" is a Leandra Original.

One time, while Leandra was getting her bridal pictures, the photographer told her to do some impromptu poses. So Leandra decided to do some hurkees (no idea how to spell that), which is basically a toe touch but with one leg bent. Keep in mind she was wearing a wedding dress while this was happening. It was glorious.

A favorite activity to do is a midnight sing-a-long to Rent, Dream Girls, Moulin Rouge, or High School Musical. I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in wooooooooords how wonderful these musicals are, when you sing them late at niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...

When Leala was my roommate, sometimes I would accidentally scare the crap out of her. Afterward, she would tell me she was so scared because she "thought I was a vampire".

She doesn't know how to do handstands in a pool. There is a video somewhere of her attempt at this, but I don't know how to find it.

She knows the importance of Sonic drinks, Red Vines, bubble gum, Hint of Lime chips, Lost, America's Best Dance Crew and Potato Surprise (one time Leandra made a dinner that was basically whole potatoes, melted cheese, and 400 bags of peas-it was beautiful).

If you need to know more or want to ask for more delicious recipes like Potato Surprise, you can look/comment here or here. Happy Birthday, Lea-Laundry Nine! Tell your dad.

Bella Dies

As many of you are probably aware, the fourth book in the Twilight Series came out on Saturday. In light of this event, the most hilarious thing ever has happend:

My Sister-in-Law, Kari, was driving around in Salt Lake when something caught her eye: a large banner hanging above the freeway, with "BELLA DIES" written on it.

HA! I have never been so glad in my entire life. Glad and jealous that I didn't think of this first. This is the best possible prank that could be played on Utah. I would not be surprised it I saw this little number on the news. For those of you who are unfamilar with this series, Bella is the main character. Now, I have no idea if this spoiler is even true (I'm actually thinking it isn't-the author is such a sap, I don't think she could let the main character go) but I am now convinced it may or may not be my divine duty to put up the same sign in Utah County.

Stay tuned.

Leia is in the 23 Club Today

Ok, I realize this cake says "Happy 30th Birthday, Regina" on it, but the cake is so fitting (shopping bag + Leia's favorite colors) that I just needed to put it up. Anyway, today is Leia's Birthday! Leia is 23 and an official adult. Here are the reasons The Leggs and I are friends:

One time she said this: "I'm not worried about cancer. I'm worried about calories." HA! Don't act like that isn't the funniest thing ever.

She catches on quickly to slang like "girf/boyf", "tots", "mates", and other such Buckle jargon.

She knows that the answer to any problem you will ever face is a Diet Coke from Sonic.

We read the same retarded books and then have lengthy discussions on what we think will happen in the sequel to that retarded book.

She is as obsessed with ANTM as I am and will watch the occasional marathon with me.

We both thought "27 Dresses" was about the gayest thing ever, even when everyone else in the theater was in total awe of such an adorable (adorable=cliche) love story.

We understand how awesome Igrid and Meiko are and sometimes have emotional moments at their concert.

We have both decided to be rich and have lots of plastic surgery and maids and live next to each other when we are older. It's just easier that way you guys. Get over it.

Happy Birthday, Leggs! I can't believe you are leaving (Leia is leaving to go rock The Buckle in Valencia, CA)! I will miss you like craz-ay and can't wait to come visit you every day! So many Wicked and MEKs and Diet Coke and parties with the cast of Laguna Beach. PS if anyone wants to come to a certain "midnight celebration" with us to celebrate, you are invited. But I can't tell you what that celebration is, because it is too embarrassing.

Happy Birthday, PA Babies!

This entry is in celebration of two birthdays-my two nieces living in Lancaster, PA: Juliet and Adrienne! Juliet turned 1 on 07/23 and Adri will be turning 15 on 08/01. Here are some of my favorite things about these girfs:

-Playing Barbies with Adri. She has a crazy voice for her Barbies and it is just too hilarious and makes you want to talk in that same crazy voice all day.

-Juliet's fatty arms/legs. Can you even handle it?!

-The fact that Juliet could be Adri's big sister.

-When the babies hate everyone that isn't Mom or Dad. I don't know why I think this is the funniest thing on earth (see above picture of Adri).

-Crazy ratty baby hair. Best thing ever.

Happy Birthday, babies! I hope your day is a wonderful dream come true and that you get all the glass slippers/beautiful ball gowns/fairy wands you've ever dreamed of!

You Know You're a UVU Student When (and yes, this is based off of real-life experience)...

• Your upper-division Race and Minority Relations Professor just asked you to type a one-page paper on the history of hot dogs.


• You are offered extra credit in English 1010 if you wear orange, black or brown on Halloween.


• You get to class and your teacher has written on the board "All late assignments, up to this point, need to be turned in by Friday or you will only receive 80% of the credit"...this is halfway through the semester.


• Your Astronomy teacher tells you not to worry about asteroids attacking the earth, because our first line of defense is Bruce Willis.


• Preparation for finals means renting the Bon Losse Hair Academy girls to come give massages in the Hall of Flags.


• During group presentations in your Communications class, one group begins by singing the Primary "turn your frown into a smile" song, while holding smiley-face masks in front of their faces. They got an A-.


• Your Communications 1010 teacher has a resume that includes "Professional Clown".


• Your 7 Habits of Highly Effective People class accidentally turned into a testimony meeting.


• If you're hungry, you know that someone is bound to be handing out free popcorn somewhere on campus. No one knows why. It just happens.


• It's election time in the business hall. As you are walking past the booths, you hear one of the candidates yell "Vote for Team HOT!" Because that's what qualifies them for office.

This post will be done in installments. This is just the first. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to let me know.

*Disclaimer: I like UVU. Situations like these are not an every day occurrence, but when they do come up...it is a real treat.

Provo Culture Chapter 6: Parkway Crossing Residents

Want to avoid the Honor Code at all costs? Looking for a place where you can bump and grind to your 18-19-yr-old heart's content? All you need to do is look west of the Freeway.

Why People Move In:

1. They're heard it advertised on 97.1.

2. Their Mom/Dad saw it from the freeway, it sure looks nice, doesn't it?!

3. Their hussy of a sister lived their a year or two previous.

4. They like the idea of living amongst the Mormons, without having to deal with all the fuss of the Honor Code. They'll have as much substance abuse as they can handle, thank you very much!

Perks:

Year-Round Dress Code Includes: tank tops, flip flops, flat-brimmed gangsta hats and more cologne than you can shake a stick at!

Fun/Flirty/and Mostly Incoherent Staff: Comprised mostly of REALLY tan 20 yr olds, the front office is almost exactly like an episode of Blind Date (minus the cartoons). Don't be surprised when they misplace your credit card number and accidently charge you $300 for utilities. No one said it was their job to do things right.

Testimony Meetings You Can't Resist: The wards at Pkwy Cxing are spiritual AND sexy (due to the lack of clothing). And if you've ever wanted to hear someone confess their sins, over the pulpit, you have struck solid gold with these apartments!

Parties That are "Off the Chain": Pkwy is known for their xtreme dance parties, often thrown in their parking lots. All the Ciara, Chris Brown and Yin-Yang Twins you can handle, dawg. Also, if you are male, you are 100% guaranteed the numbers of at least 24 girls (note: these girls are all under the age of 19).

Guys Named Shane/Kade/Taylor: So many bros who are currently enrolled in 1 class at UVU (they can't handle more than that in one semester) and spend the rest of their time checking out the babes in the Hall of Flags/Woodbury Building, laying out at the pool, and perfecting their faux-hawks.

Girls Named Brittany/Ashley/Chantel: So many blondes wearing fake eyelashes and Uggs! If they're not at home, they're most likely in the LA building of UVU, stretching out in front of the dance studios (they can't do this inside the classroom).

Downers:

Drug Busts: What are the cops doing there so late? Busting your neighbors on a possession charge. Not to worry, they'll share their pot with you before they get caught.

Whatever That Smell is in the Elevator: I don't know. I can't even try to have an explanation for this one.

Seriously So Blessed

Listen up, blogging world: I've officially found the second best blog ever. I don't know who the creator is, but they are genius and I will be inviting them to my home for a celebratory feast as soon as possible.

Cat's List of Things That the 2nd Best Blog Ever Must Have:

1. Making fun of things Provo residents do: check


2. Every blogging cliche possible: check


3. Reference to all-things-mormon aka Twilight series, selling candles out of your home, and pronouncing Lake Powell "Lake Pal": check


4. Saying how "blessed" you are in every entry: check


5. Being the highlight of my day: check

Special thanks to Brian Corry for finding all the funny things and letting me in on the secrets. Keep in mind that this blog is NOT serious. It's just awesome.

Seriously So Blessed: Second Best Blog of All Time

Top Ten Tasks to Accomplish in Summer '08

#10. Find a new haircut/color (the redder the better).

#9. Attend yet another Ingrid concert. And maybe Warped Tour. June 28th. The Perfect Storm.

#8. Win one of those Buckle Sweepstakes I keep entering.

#7. Project: Family Photo. No. Not my family. Just a photo of people pretending to be a family while wearing matching things and doing awkward poses (see above picture).

#6. Read all the things-just finished Flags of our Fathers (if you have not read this, I highly recommend you get going on that). I'm taking suggestions...now. PS please go to http://www.goodreads.com/.

#5. Weekly Cultural Food Extravaganza-thanks again for sewing those costumes for us, Taryn.

#4. Find a house for Fall-yikes...running out of time!

#3. So many a million Davis County tours with The Bounce-this will include F-Town Festival Days and possibly a 4th of July Parade. Oh for heaven's sake.

#2. Attend so many Bees games-thank you Leala for keeping us all posted on what will be going on at each game ie: $1 hot dog night or Fireworks Surprise!

#1. Weekend Road Trips. Yosemite? Santa Fe? Who knows. Let's hope this happens sooner and not later.

Provo Culture Chapter 5: BYU Couple Etiquette.

Crucial information about the dating scene in Happy Valley:

The Saturday Night Date to the Grocery Store:

If you have ever wandered Albertsons/Smiths/Wal-Mart late on a Saturday night you will see only one sight: the Saturday Night Date. This is where couples have the chance to hold hands in public, purchase water bottles and ingredients for Sunday Date Dinner and sometimes even wear matching clothing (yes this really happened, and yes they were wearing BYU Chorale sweatshirts). One other perk of this date is that it gives the couple an opportunity to feel/pretend like they're living together without actually doing it. For this reason the Grocery Store Date is only for serious couples only.

Will He Open the Car Door?

Many a Relief Society lesson/Institute Class has focused around one central (and asinine) topic: Does Boyfriend Need to Open the Car Door For You? One might be surprised at how much controversy this sparks. Here are the sides:

1). No, women are now too independent for that kind of nonsense. They can hold their own jobs, open their own doors, and even think for themselves.

2). Yes. Boyfriend is not a worthy Priesthood-holder if he doesn't take the time for chivalry. A visit to the Bishop's office after such a sin may be necessary.
So which side is right? The vast majority doesn't even know. Or care.

The Sacrament Back Scratch:

If you are dating someone in Utah County, it is imperative that they accompany you to your singles ward on regular basis. There are only two reasons for this (the other one is at the bottom of this list). The first is so Girlfriend can scratch Boyfriend's back in Sacrament Meeting-in front of all their friends. Maximum impact can be made with the back scratch if girlfriend is performing the scratching with her left hand, as to display her new engagement ring. Girlfriend is now the talk of the town (or so she thinks).

When to Hold Hands and Why?

In Provo hand-holding is not because you want to. Couples are under obligation by Provo law to hold hands if they have been on 5+ dates. This accounts for 65% of the hand-holding in Utah County being extremely awkward and painful to look at. The most common places to hold hands are as follows:

Mall (if you are caught not holding hands with someone at the mall, it means you are un-dateable and probably breaking some rule of the church).

Grocery Store

Walking to Class

In the Wilkinson Center

In your Apartment (only when roommates are home and can see)

First Date Conversation Topics:

If first dates were a game of Jeopardy, the board would read something like this:

Called to Serve

Cougar or Wolverine?

Raintree Alumni-Which Apt Were You In?

Your Major or Mine?

Alriiiight Alriiiight Alright Alright Alright-HEY! (clap clap clap-clap-clap clap clap clap-clap-clap clap-clap-clap clap-clap-clap) E-F-Y!

Choosing What Level of Modesty is Appropriate/Most Impressive for a First Date:

When a girl is getting ready for a date in the UC, there are only two things on her mind-"How much should I rat my hair?" and "How much modesty is necessary for this date?" A UC girl needs the perfect balance of modest and HOT on a first date. Here are the standard options and what they say about the girl (this is not applicable outside of Utah County):

Tank Top: Easy (only worn by UVU student/hair school girl).

Skirt 3 Inches Above the Knee: Easy (usually worn by UVU student/hair school girl).

Cap-Sleeved Shirt: Semi-easy. Doesn't want a relationship-wants to be able to call a lot of boys her "boyfriend" (can be worn by BYU or UVU students. Hair school girls are not allowed to wear sleeves in the summer seasons. Ban is temporarily lifted during fall/winter).

Short-Sleeved (Shade/Undertease/Down East) Shirt with Lace on the Bottom: Wants a serious relationship immediately. Usually can be tricked into kissing on the first date, if the guy pretends he wants to date her long-term. Usually worn by BYU students, but there is an occasional UVU student who sports this look as well.

3/4 Sleeve Shirt: Indifferent. This girl is on a date because she is bored. Not because she is interested. This can be a BYU or UVSC student, but they are usually over the age of 21...and kind of bitter.

Wearing Boyfriend's Suit Coat (even when it's June):

Reason #2 to go to your significant other's singles ward: so Girlfriend can wear Boyfriend's suit coat. This is important because your friends won't know you have a boyfriend (and are therefore unable to get jealous), unless you are wearing a jacket that is way to big for you. A girlfriend in Utah County will have to sacrifice comfort for status when the summer months come around-no worries, this is a sacrifice she is happy to make.

T-T-T-TAG!

CJY (Carly Johnston-Young) has tagged me. So here it is...all secrets revealed:

3 Joys:
*White Out. Especially the roll-on kind. How fabulous.
*Not having to work on Saturdays (I can't even BEGIN to describe the happiness this brings me-no offense to all the Buckle soldiers who rock every Saturday)
*Family photos that include characters such as "adventurous son" and "awkward 14 year old boy who is kind of chubby and is forced to sit in the front".

3 Fears:
*Octopus getting stuck on my face-what could be worse than that?!
*Creatures getting stuck in my hair.
*Some day I'll be watching General Conference and the prophet will announce that it is no longer ok to drink Diet Coke or go tanning. I'm not kidding. I get anxiety about it every April/October.

3 Goals:
*Save all the money as to be able to afford things later.
*Drink an adequate amount of water daily.
*Write the books. There are 3-4 stirring around in my brain at this very moment.

3 Current Obsessions/Collections:
*T-shirts.
*Borders.
*Emerald and copper-colored things.

3 Surprising Facts:
*I'm always thirsty. Always.
*I love looking for product placement in movies. Marketing is the best hobby anyone could ever have.
*I want to color my hair carrot-red but won't do it because it is socially unacceptable.

3 Friends to Tag:
*Amy-it's about freaking time you had a new post
*The Leala
*Leia

Things to Avoid While Traveling

I am home and with only one complaint: why can't the airport just be a normal place where all you have to do is present your ticket, get a boarding pass, and be on your merry way? This is what usually happens to me when I arrive at the airport:

Attempted Action: Give my bags to the nice people on the curb so I don't have to deal with checking my baggage.

What Really Happens: I give the Sky Cap my paper ticket, only to have them search through their "database" for approximately 15 min while mumbling things like "Well I just don't see your reservation in here..." and "Maybe if I try...nope, that didn't work either..."and then tell me that I don't actually have a ticket, and probably don't really exist as a human being. This is followed by a long series of negotiations/phone calls to supervisors/blackmails/me having a mild panic attack/and finally the resolution-I was right the entire time.

My Prediction: The Sky Cap is not looking through a "database" at all, but instead is looking through all the cards in his/her game of Solitaire. I think they like to watch patrons, such as myself, suffer.

Sidenote: This seriously happens EVERY time I fly. Most recently I was actually forced to purchase a new ticket out of Hawaii, which was refunded 3 minutes later, upon discovery of the already existing ticket. Wow.

Attempted Action: Get all the bags through security as to make sure I am not a terrorist threat to the airline.

What Really Happens: Upon close examination of my bags, it is usually discovered that I have accidentally packed all of my liquids in my carry-on and am now forced to go back downstairs and check an additional bag.

My Prediction: It's not a good idea to pack at 1-2 in the morning. You will forget protocol.

Attempted Action: Get to layover city-board connecting flight successfully.

What Really Happens: There are a few options here: (A) Flight I am on is late and you have to run like crazy to find the next one, (B) Your itinerary has secretly been changed by CheapTickets (seriously-no email updates or anything) and you must now adapt to whatever they want (C) You have either landed at LAX or PHL and the airport layout is so messed up that you will probably never get out alive.

My Prediction: I actually don't have any thoughts on this one. It just happens every time.

Attempted Action: Retrieve bags as to have an enjoyable and stress-free vacation.

What Really Happens: Bags somehow end up across the country. Airport personnel assures you that bags will be delivered promptly the next morning.

My Prediction: Airport personnel actually wants to go through your bags first-if they find something good, they will take it and say it got lost.

That is all.

Adios. Au revoir. Auf Wiedersehen. Aloha.

Things I need to do before leaving for Huh-vi-ee:

*Purchase enough tanning lotion to tranquilize a horse.

*Find 10 awesome vintage tees (why is the only clothing I own cardigans?).

*Make so many awesome CD jams for car rides around the island.

*Decide which eyeshadows are essential. Only 4 are allowed to come.

*Find a large suitcase.

*Decide if I will wear sunblock or not.

Peace out everyone. See you the 29th.

Provo Culture Chapter 4: The Provo All-Stars

You know when a pack/herd of these young gentlemen is approaching-the hair on the back of your neck stands up, you shudder from the stench of their Abercrombie FIERCE cologne. You try to get away, but it's too late. The All-Stars are already up in yo' grill. There's no known way to completely avoid the All-Stars (Utah County is crawling with them), but you can closely monitor their migratory patterns as to make sure you're never caught off guard by their arrival. Here's what to expect:

All-Stars migrate in packs of 3-5 males, ranging from ages 22-26. They are territorial creatures-rarely traveling outside their region or "turf". A daily round for an All-Star will include the following locations (this pattern is based off of the summer season-locations are subject to change when the weather gets colder):

9-11AM-GOLDS GYM: An All-Star is nothing without his "technically good physique". Therefore he must start his morning off with two things: his primary prey-some kind of protein shake that will make him "ripped", and about a 2 hour visit to Golds Gym (no self-respecting All-Star would go to 24 Hour Fitness).

SIDENOTE: The Golds Gym schedule breakdown is as follows: 15 min warm-up of walking around, checking out the other "dudes" to make sure they are the strongest/hottest, 45 min working the biceps, 10 min checking out the chicks, and 50 min working their abdominals.

11PM-EXPENSIVE APARTMENTS THEY CALL HOME: An All-Star must take at least an hour to primp himself for the day's dealings-and what better place to do this than an apartment that charges $460+ for rent (without utilities). An All-Star apartment will include the following amenities: big screen TV, awesome pool with lots of hotties, LOVESAC (what better way to get close to the hotties?), and so many "supplements" of every kind in the kitchen-All Stars gotta keep it tight, yo. Ah yee-ah.

1-4PM-SWIMMING POOL OR PLACE WHERE THEY CAN BE HALF NAKED: Hottie alert. Da boyz are now living it up (because they don't have jobs) at the watering hole. This provides the following opportunities:

Show that rockin' bod.

Wear a pukka shell necklaces.

Get a tan (they soak up the rays for an average of 2 hours daily).

Compare themselves to other guys and be reassured that they are the prettiest girl at the ball.

The traditional mating ritual of scouting out the hottest females.

4-5PM-QUICK STOP AT FOOT LOCKER/FINISH LINE: All-Stars are in constant need of new Nikes. This is not because their shoes have been worn down from all their ball-playing. This is because their current "kicks" have been scuffed and are no longer sparkling white. No Peacock would display bent feathers, so why would an All-Star display lightly-worn footwear?

7-9PM-BLINGIN' PROVO BASH (IE Rock the Block or some such party): All-Stars will unwind after a stressful day by a night of partying (watching girls with low self esteem compete for their attention, driving around in their flashy automobiles and drinking "Dew").

10-11PM-HOT TUB: All-Stars on the prowl. Since All-Stars rarely leave their pack-this is prime time to watch their competitive nature. If there are females present, the All-Stars' muscles will be perma-flexed and their hair will be perfa-styled (how else will the ladies decide who the alpha male is?). They will talk about how much they can bench, how rich they will be when they become men, and how many girls they've "hooked up with" in the last week. They will assume the girls will be impressed.

12-1AM-BACK TO GOLDS GYM: One more round of "lifting" to prepare for the next day. An All-Star's thirst for large muscles is never quenched.

SIDENOTE: The gym uniform will be some color variation of the following: basketball shorts, wife beater, Nike Shocks (shoelaces will be untied), and 1 sweat bands for their wrist. All clothing will match impeccably.

In the hours between scheduled times no one is sure where the All-Stars will be. Be on the look-out and make sure you wear sunglasses during those hours so you can avoid eye contact.

Top Ten

I'm going to start doing top ten lists. Here's the first:

Here is a list of the Top Ten Most Embarrassing (and most unacceptable) Things a Human Being Could Ever Do:

#10. Love to shop at DEB/Vanity so much.

#9. Eat at Chilis...and like it.

#8. Wear a "perverted hidden message tee" from Abercrombie/American Eagle/Hollister. You know the ones I mean-"Woody's Cabin-We Go All Night!"

#7. Use the phrase "Ex-Boyfriend" or "My Ex" when referring to a past relationship.

#6. Watch Tila Tequila's House of Lesbians (or whatever that show is called).

#5. Put a "So Cal" bumper sticker on the back of your car and constantly complain about how Utah doesn't have an In & Out or Rainbow flip flops.

#4. Bring Mardi Gras beads to St. George for Spring Break.

#3. Proudly display a Playboy Bunny-shaped tanline just above your hip (there are bonus points available here if you are a RADIOACTIVE orange color).

#2. Purchase (for yourself and with your own money) a Taylor Swift CD.

#1. Purchase (for yourself and with your own money) a Danity Kane CD.

Go Shorrty, It's Yo Birfday

Happy Birthday to The Nana! Staci is my friend/boss from Buckle. Here are some little known facts about the Stabster-licious:

She introduced me to MAC (this seriously changed my life...SERIOUSLY).

She wanted to be an astronaut...and I think she still does...

I know why her hair was down at her wedding, but half up for the reception (see me or Leia for details).

Give her a chance, and she'll get you addicted to Cadbury Mini Eggs.

She saves money buy using mall employee coupons to places like Clinique and Chik-Fil-A.

She is fluent in "Brieves" and one time said: "I gue I cho Rebs". Hahahaha-oh the brieves...

Her favorite movie is "Beetlejuice".

Now for a well-known fact: Stac is one of the most generous, awesome people in the universe.

Thanks, Nane-nane. You're the greatest. Have fun on the Buckle vacay!

Provo Culture Chapter 2: Hottie Moms

Shocking though it may be, Provo has a large and escalating population of Hottie Moms. Never seen one? Let me lay it down for you:

Where Will They Be?

Buckle: This is practically Mecca for Hottie Moms. They can't get enough of the Lucky Lil Maggies, or the employees who make a fuss over them (they don't know it, but the only reason there is a fuss being made is because the employees get paid on commission).

Mod Bod/Lia Sophia/Pampered Chef Parties: Who needs Enrichment Night when you can get together with your rich friends and buy things you don't need?

Golds Gym: College guys to flirt with, dirty dancing class, and a chance to dress like a total prostitute (and no one can say anything about it), who could ask for more?

Places Where There Are Salads: Hottie Moms + Lettuce + Dressing on the side = Nirvana.

What Will They Wear?

10AM-12PM: Any casual attire (usually a velour jump suit) that says "Juicy" on it, a Tiffany's necklace, Uggs, LARGE sunglasses, fake Louis Vuitton purse (usually with some kind of animal inside), and a ponytail.

12PM-4PM: Citizen and/or Seven jeans-mid rise with a flare with the first edition back pocket (these are usually obtained at their friend's blowout jean party), Uggs (jeans must be TUCKED IN), and a fitted statement tee.

4PM-Bedtime: Hottie Moms are all about making a statement with evening wear. At this hour they will have traded the Uggs for a pair of scandalous heels, and the tee shirt for whatever dress-casual item they found at Buckle that day.

SIDENOTE: Outfits are subject to change when a Hottie Mom attends a gym class, such as Yoga, Kick Boxing or the ever popular Dirrty Dancing.

Who Will They Marry?

Hottie Moms will only marry 4 types of guys: summer salesman (only those who made above $40,000 will do), guys that played baseball for UVSC, guys that played football for BYU, or guys that claim they are going to med school (but will just major in business and call it good).

What Will They Drive?:

There are only two options: Cadillac Escalade or the Lincoln Navigator (although they can't afford either). In either car, the quintessential accessories are some kind of drink from Starbucks, designer imposter sunglasses, and blonde hair with more streaks than Zebra Striped Gum (streaks are usually orange, red and dark brown).

Sidenote: Veteran Hottie Moms will only drive a shiny, BLACK Escalade/Navigator. And the bigger the rims, the hotter they are. If a Hottie Mom can acquire a ride so pimp that her husband actually has to give her a boost to get inside, she is the Queen Bee of Hottie Moms in Utah Valley.

What Will Their Baby's Names Be?

Any celebrity name, celebrity baby name, or name from the show "Sex and the City" (IE: Beckham, Depp, Apple, Suri or Aiden). Hottie Moms have also been known to take apart two names, and combine them to form another (IE: Rogler, Taydrew, or Mattler).

What Will Their Kids (usually teen aged daughters and their friends) Say About Them?:

A. Friend: "Your mom is sooooo cyute."

B. Daughter: "My boyfriend LOVES texting my mom. She's soooooooo cyute."

C. Friend: "That is such a cyuuuuute shirt!"

Daughter: "Thanks, it's my Mom's!"

What Do Hottie Moms Love Most?

*Debt

*Popular teenage daughters who make the cheer squad

*Jeans

Provo Culture Chapter 1: The Elders

I'm not talking about the actual missionaries. I'm talking about the returned elders, with a new mission: to prove to Utah County what a sensational missionary they were. But how will you ever know who they are? In street clothes and without name tags, they just blend in with the masses. However, there are a few ways you can recognize an Elder when you see one. Here's how:

SOUVENIRS/MEMORABILIA:

At church, an Elder will always have some kind of mission memorabilia to show off. IE the kangaroo skin scripture case, some sort of Tongan skirt/wrap that they wear over their slacks, or the classic leather-etched scripture case (usually depicting a scene from the Book of Mormon) from any Latin region of the world.

THE THIRD-HARDEST LANGUAGE:

Within the first 10 minutes of conversation they will let you know that they spoke one of the "three hardest languages" there are. Even if it was just French, they'll be sure to tell you the "dialect" they spoke was far more complicated than any state-side missionary could ever dream. This conversation will go something like this:

You: "Oh so you went on the mish to Spain? That's pretty neat".

The Elder: "Yeah, I really miss the people. And the language. You know, REAL Spanish is the third-hardest language on earth to speak, besides Finnish and Mandarin."

Side note: if the Elder in question actually did speak Finnish, he is automatically the King of all Elders in Utah County.

THE ACCENT:

Elders are known for their fantastic accents. It's the one piece their mission they can't ever let go of. If they went to Hawaii for their mission, they must pronounce it "Huh-vi-ee". If they went to Tonga, it's "Tone-ga". Samoa is "Sah-moa". An Elder is no longer an American when they get back. They are now a native of wherever they went. This also explains what I like to call the "Aloha Phenomenon". This is when an Elder (or actually even Mormons that have recently come back from a vacation to Hawaii) will get up in sacrament meeting and begin their testimony/talk with the following:

"Aloooooooooha! (crowd mumbles aloha back) Oh c'mon, you can do better than that! ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOHA! (crowd is forced to repeat again)"

HOME DECOR:

Here's what you will find in the living room of an Elder:

A giant flag of wherever they went, tacked onto the wall. This is especially pleasing when all four members of the apartment are Elders. All four walls, covered in memories.

CUISINE:

When deciding what to eat for the night, a true Elder will always know the closest authentic mission-food restaurant around. They will take you there and speak the native language with the waitresses (this is actually a great bonus to knowing an Elder). If they are an advanced Elder, they will make the food for you themselves. They will be sure to let you know that most restaurants in the states serve only a "watered-down" version of truly authentic food from (insert awesome country here).

JOKES:

The following conversation will happen with most Elders. Beware. It is NEVER funny but they feel obligated to say it.

You: "So when did you get back from your mission?"

Elder: "Two months ago. My mission was the best 8 months of my life!"

You: fake laughter

So there you have it. There are other characteristics to watch for, these are just the basics. Just make sure you treat an Elder delicately when you meet one. They won't know how to react to sarcastic remarks or even constructive criticism. Just let them get it all out and hopefully they will normalize in another two years.

Hizappy Birthdizzle

Today is Keith Elison's birthday! I chose this cake for the occasion because Keith is built on a firm "foundation", much like this fondant barn. And like these wide-eyed "ponies", peeking out of the fence, "Keith" has a curiosity and zest for life (if you didn't understand that, it's just because you didn't grow up in the Elison house. And that is just TOO bad).

One of my favorite things about Keith is that every time he meets a celebrity, he has a really good story to tell about it. Like when he met Latoya Jackson on an airplane and, after chatting her up, moon-walked back to his seat. Or like the time he saw Carol Mikita in a ride line at Disney Land and proclaimed "Carol Mikita?! This really IS the happiest place on earth!" Or, like that time he saw Quentin Terrentino at Sundance and, after a long conversation with him, told him he'd give him $20 if he named his next character after him. Fantastic.

Anyways, happy birthday, biotch. Hope it's a good one.

ALSO. Just so everyone knows, I was looking through an application at my job yesterday. Here is what I found in his employment history under "Company Products/Services":

"Family steak house...we cooked children".

WOA!

I Don't Get It

I went to a yoga class. I laughed through most of the class (don't worry, it was quiet laughter). Not because I was so shocked that half the class was male. Not because the teacher was so stereotypical that I couldn't even handle myself. Not even because at the end we had to lie down and think about our "happy place" while the instructor came around and shook out our legs. No. I was laughing because I could not understand why it was so HARD! Seriously. Look at the above picture. This is all yoga is. Sit in this pose. Turn your chest this way. Downward dog. Class is over. Now why am I sweating worse than a hooker in church? I guess I'll never know.

hpy brthdy

Alright, I don't know who on earth "Nilpixel" is, but isn't this the best picture you've ever seen in your life?! Today is Jason Fry's birthday. In honor of this occasion, here is a list of AWESOME things Jason has introduced me to that everyone else needs to see as well:

*Short Circuit (yes, the 1986 movie-never laughed so hard in my life).

*This video clip: http://www.facebook.com/share_redirect.php?h=870cc6b185df387195a7bafcc71ca3ee&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DxAIWvkNy2UI%26feature%3Drelated&sid=8718388127

(watch or die).

*Reno 911.

*LOST-this show stole seriously like 3 months of my life. And I don't even want it back!

*Guacomole and avacados in general.

*Probably 8 million bands.

*U student culture (democrats, beards, V-neck shirts, etc).

*All the Mystery Science Theater you can handle.

*Other things I can't remember.

Thanks for all those awesome things. Happy birthday, J.Fry!

10 Days

If you need to get a hold of me at the end of May, you won't be able to. Because I will be gone somewhere far, far away.

I'm Embarrassed

That last post was put up without a proof read. I'm embarrassed about all the spelling errors. Forgive me, blogging world.

Things Mormons Like {A La Stuff White People Like}

When Mormons Make it to the Finals of a Reality Show...

It's a well known fact that Mormons meet together at least 3-4 times weekly for various activities. One fact that is not so well known is this: what do mormons talk about when they get together? I'll tell you: REALITY SHOWS. Particularly when there is a Mormon in the finals. A Mormon loves nothing more than to talk about David Archuleta and/or Brook White's most recent (and brilliant) performance on American Idol, or about how Marie Osmond passed out on Dancing with the Stars and is probably having diet issues.

The BEST thing that ever happened to Mormons was Mitt Romney. They love to talk about hos Mitt Romney was-and still is-the BEST candidate (ok, so the presidential election is not a reality show but...it sure seems like it). Further more, Mormons are always convinced that the Latter Day Saint contestant is ALWAYS the BEST contestant. It doesn't matter if the person in question is a complete idiot. They are Mormon, dang it, and that alone should qualify them for a win!

If you are ever talking to a Mormon about one of their "brothers" or "sisters" in a reality show, do not EVER suggest that they like the contestant soley because of their faith. This will get you know where fast with a Mormon. They will become deeply offended and then read off a list of all the reasons their favorite reality star is perfect in every way (this is a long and ridiculous list that you could do without-trust me). On the flip side, during one of these conversations, it is always helpful to say something to this effect: "You know, I can't help but notice that (insert reality star's name here) has something different about them. They just light up the whole show!" or "(reality star's name) is setting such a great example for the youth of today-I'm so glad so many Americans can look up to him/her!". These statements are especially impactful if you are non-Mormon. That will let the Mormon you are speaking with know that you are probably going to be ripe and ready for baptism in the next few weeks. Don't be surprised if the missionaries show up on your doorstep.

There are only two reasons why the Mormons aren't 100% thrilled when the Mormon wins the whole show. Reason 1: the reality star is not only Mormon, but gay. This means the Mormon audience is 98% thrilled and 2% nervous that Mormons have been mis-represented on television. Reason 2: the reality show is The Real World New Orleans on MTV and the star is Julie. Enough said.

Oprah Would Be So Proud

B to tha O to tha O to tha K. This is the new book I'm reading. It rocks. It's about South Africa and the blacks and the whites and the poor and the rich and the city and the townships and the Afrikaaners and the Boers. Actually...I just realized Afrikaaners and Boers might be the same thing. Oh well. Anyway, I'm going to recommend it.

I just realized how boring the posts are as of late. My apologies. I'll spice it up next time.

{The WHITES}

I just found the BEST website of all time, courtesy of Amy and Brian's awesomeness. It's like someone took my hopes and dreams and thoughts and put them online for the world to see. Be sure to read the entire list and think of your own list to post on my blog. I need to know everyone's thoughts. This one's for the crackers:

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

I've Been Tagged

I've been tagged. Only...I changed it up a little. Hope no one's ticked.

10 Years Ago...I was 13. So that means I was in eighth grade, buying beef jerkey from Jeff Sorensen, trying not to get caught in the "Dungeons and Dragons" Accelerated Reader scandal and in love with...let's just say Jim Vosburgh for good measure.

5 Years Ago...I was 18. So I was getting ready to graduate high school-soaking up as much Pam Coburn as possible, searching the underground tunnels of DHS with Chelsea Bennett's video camera, and trying to avoid Nate Neagle and Co.

5 Things That Are (or were) On My To Do List Today...
*Watch The George Michael Show
*Drink a Diet Coke or two or three
*Work (aka interview some crazies and some non-crazies)
*See Vantage Point with J.Fry
*SLEEP SO MUCH

5 Things People Don't Know About Me:
*Grape soda is one of my top 3 favorite drinks but I rarely drink it.
*I love the smell of school books.
*I secretly love the salad bar at Sizzler. Sorry.
*I don't feel like I'm 23. Instead I feel like I'm 17...only not as retarded.
*The best compliments I can get are as follows: "Hey, you look really tan", "Your hair is getting so long", "Well said", or "Hey, what you just did reminded me of Keith!"-Keith is my brother and I think Annie would agree on this one.

I tag: Annie and Jason Winn (that's right, I said Jason too), Hip Hopera aka Ryann Edwards, Jenny Payne, and Karen Cannon.

{George Michael}

Thank you, Leia for showing me the light. I'm jealous I didn't find this first. My boyfriend, George Michael Bluth, has his own show on the web. It's pretty dynamite. Please watch every episode and enjoy.http://www.clarkandmichael.com/

Feliz Cumpleanos

Sunday the 24th of February is Carly Johnston-Young's birthday. In honor of this event, I've decided to recount one of my favorite memories of Carly:

Once upon a time at Mrs. Auernig's house in 1999, some friends and I dared Carly to eat an entire cube of butter for $50 (we were all going to chip in). Now, Carly has never been scared of calories or fat content, not even a little bit, so of course she took the dare. Now picture this-about a dozen 14-year-old girls circled up around Carly-chanting and cheering her on as she is trying to force this thing down her throat. She almost got it too (except she couldn't because it was too slippery). Watching her trying to swallow that thing was probably one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I think we even paid her $25 for her efforts.

Anyway, Carly is everything Joyce and I wish we could be. (In the voice): Carly. Happy Birthday.

The Joys of Human Resources

For my job, I am constantly looking through resumes and conducting interviews with potential employees. I have been doing this for a few months but I'm still shocked at how people conduct themselves during an interview and what they will write on their resumes. Here are a few of my favorites:

Emails/misc facts I have found on resumes:

• studmanluv69@......


• monkeywitch@....


• mcshits_house_of_love@...


• motherrucker@...


• One guy claimed he was an "Ambassador of Religion to France" for 2 years aka served a mission.


• Under hobbies and interests: "I've made mistakes but hey, I'm not Mother Teresa, ok?!"...actually this turned out to be a fake resume, but hilarious nonetheless.

Felonies potential employees have been charged with:

• Possession of marijuana and a sword

Things people have admitted (totally unsolicited from me) in interviews:

• They were just diagnosed with Hepetitis C, and have had it for 15 years-without having any idea there was a problem...until their skin turned yellow.


• Their "baby mama" just started having contractions. Oh...the time old tale of baby mama drama...


• That, in prison, all the sex offenders get beat up and "knifed" in the yard. No one likes a sex offender!


• (Upon poking at his teeth for most of the interview) He let me know that he was just getting used to his new denchers (this guy was no older than 25 and I'm pretty sure he was a big fan of the crystal meth). Yes I did have to shake his hand afterward and yes I did scrub my hand with steel wool. I ordered a code red on myself.

Needless to say my job keeps me fairly entertained.

I Have a Crush on Russia

I've devoted a lot of time lately reading a book that is written by a friend of the Elison family-Mike Ramsdell. It's called A Train to Potevka, and it's about his crazy adventures as a CIA agent in The Soviet Union in the 1980s. He's just bringing down Communism one mob boss at a time. Don't be fooled by my description-this book is totally non-fiction. Anyway, I like it because not only is he running around doing all the awesome CIA things, but he gives great background on Russian history. After I read it I just want to talk about the TransSiberian Highway and the KGB/Russian Mafia for hours. I'm fascinated by it. There's also an Australian film company making a movie about it. Guess who they want to play Mike? Just Russell Crowe. Not a big deal. Anyway, it's outta sight (so far), but you don't have to take my word for it (duh nuh nuh)!

The Coalition of Mormon Mothers

I got an email today about how the new dollar (it's in coin form) does not include the phrase "In God We Trust". It then went on to say how you should not accept those coins-and in doing so this will force the US government to recall all the coins and think twice about demoralizing our money.

I always get forwards like these (I find them hilarious) and when I do I like to picture a group of superheroes in their secret lair-only instead of Batman and Superman and the like-it's the Coalition of Mormon Mothers. Their uniform: a velour jumpsuit with matching mask, big hair and acrylic nails. Their mission: to fly around the globe, putting an end to such evils as the new dollar, The Golden Compass, and the any liberal speakers scheduled to come to UVSC (ie the Michael Moore incident of 2005). But they don't stop there. The Mormon Mothers still make it home in time to make cookies for the kids and scrapbook their latest adventure. You go girls.

Anyways, if you know someone who makes Mormon movies, maybe suggest this plot to them. I'm sure it would make a killing at the box office.

Guten tag.

Welcome to my blog. In the future, I will be blogging about the following:

*Culture (anything from High School to Utah Valley to Korea-prepare yourselves)
*Inventions I have thought up/books I plan on writing.
*Trips.
*Friends and various Davis High Alumni.
*Media.
*New discoveries (ie awesome stores such as Many Lands or restaurants such as Pudding on the Rice).
*Random things I learn on the street.

So...it should be good-stay tuned. Feel free to comment/stalk/enlighten your friends and/or family.